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I Don't Normally Care Enough To Do A Makeup Review

But FUCK this mascara. I bought this mascara yesterday and tried it today for the first time. It will also be the last time.

Illustration for article titled I Dont Normally Care Enough To Do A Makeup Review
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My eyelashes are naturally somewhat long but not terribly thick, so voluminous mascara is a priority to me. Mascara in general is a priority for me in my overall makeup routine. I was excited to try a mascara that would not only provide volume and length, but would keep my lashes defined.

I read the reviews on MakeupAlley.com. I should have known. While the reviews overall seem meh, a few people raved. Others pointed out some flaws: brush is thick and clumsy, doesn't seem to be a difference between using two different ends and two coats using the same brush, hard to wash off. Hindsight, friends.

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So I'm already running a bit late this morning. In a perfect world, if I start makeupping at 7:45 I can leave my apartment at 8 and get to work at 9. I started makeupping at 7:55, after which I had to brush my teeth, get my lunch and shit ready and get ready to go outside.

After curling my lashes, I open the tube and pull the brush close to my eyes. The handle is actually tough to work with – I thought this was kind of a superficial point in the review, but you actually can't hold it close enough to your face in a parallel manner to get the outer lashes. But I am an Expert Mascara Applier so I push on. First brush uses the newer rubber spikes to set up the definition layer. Doesn't provide much coverage, but I appreciate setting the foundation for the second coat. It helped to create length and did a great job separating. The second brush is your more traditional bristles, though they are somewhat closely placed – very evenly spaced and rather short. Not the dynamics I would expect from a volume powerhouse brush. I start putting the second coat on and everything goes wrong. My beautifully defined though lightly covered lashes grow longer, but immediately start clumping into each other. The more I try to separate them, the more they join together. I used the brush, a lash comb and finally my eyebrow definer brush (looks like a mascara brush) but nothing could undo it.

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At this point, it was like 10 after 8 and the lashes looked fine enough. Nothing too strange that I would feel weird about how I looked all day. Clumping together, but no actual makeup clumps and no spider lashes. I believe it's a combination of the angle of my curled lashes and the way I lean over the bathroom counter to get closer to the mirror, but every time I put on mascara I get it on my eyelids. Nothing a wet Q-Tip can't fix. Because I struggled with the brushes and the clumping during this application, I have more mascara on my eyelids than usual. No problem, I say to myself, and dampen a Q-Tip. I start dabbing. Mascara doesn't budge. I remember the reviews I read where reviewers warned that you would likely need makeup remover for this product. I start rubbing harder on the mascara on my lids – nothing, no movement. I hate using mascaras that don't come off easy – my eyes get bothered if I have to use different solutions or increased effort to get makeup off. I avoid anything resembling waterproof for this reason, and therefore I don't own makeup remover. Fortunately, my mom is old school and first taught me to remove makeup using lotion. I have lotion, but I could go even one further: Bio-Oil. I grabbed a new Q-Tip, damped it with the oil and it did just the trick. Oh except it took off all the rest of my eyeshadow. I took off all the eyeshadow and just put a wash of Shroom on and called it a day. By the time I left my house, it was 8:34. I got to work at 9:30 or so. Fortunately my office is somewhat flexible with that, but lord help me if anyone asked me why I was late. I was having trouble with my mascara is even less legit than my dog ate my homework.

To add insult to injury, on my way to the subway I saw a teenager wearing a scrunchie. DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM YOUR FORESISTERS? This mistake has been made for you, Trendy Young Person.

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Tl;dr: don't buy this mascara ever and tell everyone you know that it's trying to destroy worker's rights in North America. Also scrunchies are coming back – be warned.

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