But FUCK this mascara. I bought this mascara yesterday and tried it today for the first time. It will also be the last time.

My eyelashes are naturally somewhat long but not terribly thick, so voluminous mascara is a priority to me. Mascara in general is a priority for me in my overall makeup routine. I was excited to try a mascara that would not only provide volume and length, but would keep my lashes defined.

I read the reviews on MakeupAlley.com. I should have known. While the reviews overall seem meh, a few people raved. Others pointed out some flaws: brush is thick and clumsy, doesn't seem to be a difference between using two different ends and two coats using the same brush, hard to wash off. Hindsight, friends.

So I'm already running a bit late this morning. In a perfect world, if I start makeupping at 7:45 I can leave my apartment at 8 and get to work at 9. I started makeupping at 7:55, after which I had to brush my teeth, get my lunch and shit ready and get ready to go outside.

After curling my lashes, I open the tube and pull the brush close to my eyes. The handle is actually tough to work with – I thought this was kind of a superficial point in the review, but you actually can't hold it close enough to your face in a parallel manner to get the outer lashes. But I am an Expert Mascara Applier so I push on. First brush uses the newer rubber spikes to set up the definition layer. Doesn't provide much coverage, but I appreciate setting the foundation for the second coat. It helped to create length and did a great job separating. The second brush is your more traditional bristles, though they are somewhat closely placed – very evenly spaced and rather short. Not the dynamics I would expect from a volume powerhouse brush. I start putting the second coat on and everything goes wrong. My beautifully defined though lightly covered lashes grow longer, but immediately start clumping into each other. The more I try to separate them, the more they join together. I used the brush, a lash comb and finally my eyebrow definer brush (looks like a mascara brush) but nothing could undo it.

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At this point, it was like 10 after 8 and the lashes looked fine enough. Nothing too strange that I would feel weird about how I looked all day. Clumping together, but no actual makeup clumps and no spider lashes. I believe it's a combination of the angle of my curled lashes and the way I lean over the bathroom counter to get closer to the mirror, but every time I put on mascara I get it on my eyelids. Nothing a wet Q-Tip can't fix. Because I struggled with the brushes and the clumping during this application, I have more mascara on my eyelids than usual. No problem, I say to myself, and dampen a Q-Tip. I start dabbing. Mascara doesn't budge. I remember the reviews I read where reviewers warned that you would likely need makeup remover for this product. I start rubbing harder on the mascara on my lids – nothing, no movement. I hate using mascaras that don't come off easy – my eyes get bothered if I have to use different solutions or increased effort to get makeup off. I avoid anything resembling waterproof for this reason, and therefore I don't own makeup remover. Fortunately, my mom is old school and first taught me to remove makeup using lotion. I have lotion, but I could go even one further: Bio-Oil. I grabbed a new Q-Tip, damped it with the oil and it did just the trick. Oh except it took off all the rest of my eyeshadow. I took off all the eyeshadow and just put a wash of Shroom on and called it a day. By the time I left my house, it was 8:34. I got to work at 9:30 or so. Fortunately my office is somewhat flexible with that, but lord help me if anyone asked me why I was late. I was having trouble with my mascara is even less legit than my dog ate my homework.

To add insult to injury, on my way to the subway I saw a teenager wearing a scrunchie. DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM YOUR FORESISTERS? This mistake has been made for you, Trendy Young Person.

Tl;dr: don't buy this mascara ever and tell everyone you know that it's trying to destroy worker's rights in North America. Also scrunchies are coming back – be warned.