I really thought, for a while, that I was doing okay. I was finding it really easy to stay positive and make really important steps forward for myself and feel better about myself. Even as difficult as things have been for the past 9 months, I felt like I was handling it okay and not really letting it get to me. I just can't anymore.
It's like all of the stress and worry and insecurity that I feel has come crashing down all at once, and I've spent the last week oscillating from feeling nothing to feeling like bursting into tears. My mind is twisted up in so many tangles and knots and I don't know how to untangle them. I thought I had resolved with myself how I was going to feel about all these different shitty little problems and all the old self-hating thoughts, and for a while I really stuck to it. But now I can't remember how to feel okay about things. I haven't been able to think in straight lines for the past few days, and it feels selfish of me to take any time to get back in control.
I know I have no right to complain or anything, and that's why I feel guilty for even wanting to take some time to sort my head out. I've been self-medicating with weed, but all it's done is help me put off actually dealing with my negative thoughts, and I feel even guiltier for doing that. I can't ask anyone for help or advice, and all I want to do from the moment I get up each morning is to go back to bed and sleep until I feel happy. I don't know where in my life I got this fucking awful guilt that I carry with me everywhere, and I don't even know what 'normal' looks like. I'm supposed to be back from my lunch break by now and I can't go. I don't want to because I'm going to sit down at my desk and look at the stuff I have to do and feel absolutely nothing. No excitement, no interest, no desire to do it, not even boredom. And then I'll get to thinking about how fucked up it is that I have a job and I'm still finding time to complain, and then I'll feel the tears welling up. I'll think of the future and panic because I can't see it yet, and I'll think of the past and feel guilty for every little minor thing I've done wrong.
I don't know what the point of this is. I don't want to bring anyone else down, but I had to get these things off my chest and try and figure out what exactly it is I'm feeling/not feeling. I have to go, but I could write forever about this. Sorry.