And I am concerned that I feel it rising up in me. It is a slippery slope that I fight not to fall down. No body likes a bitter bitch. And I wouldn’t like myself if I let this bitterness take root in the fertile soil of my heartache. A man broke my heart, badly. It was a about a month ago. I met him shortly after I broke up with my asshole boyfriend that I wrote about here. I thought we were slowly getting to know each other. He invited me to his father’s house on several occasions.He invited me to Christmas dinner with his mom. I actually felt the words, “I love you” form on my lips when I was alone and thought of him. He said these words to me many times. But then, after 7 months, he hit me with the painful words of he was never sexually attracted to me. That he loves me like a brother. He was cruel and hurtful. I thought I was over it. I could think of him and that dull pain wasn’t as sharp as it was when he first stabbed me. But now, it’s like an injury that hasn’t healed properly. And I am so afraid it will become the bitterness that I’ve seen in countless women before me. The anger of love never found, of a life that never met their expectations. And I. am so. afraid.
I love my life. I am so happy for the things that I have been able to accomplish. But at nearly 40, I never thought that the need for male validation would still be so acute. At a work party last night, I saw the women fawn over the few men in the company and I felt that bitterness in the back of my throat. At the ease with which men in my part of the world find love (or at least lust), with less judgement and far more opportunities that feel fair.
How do I fight this? I want a partner. I want an adventure buddy. Yet, it feels so far away and I’m afraid that I will have bitterness as my lover instead.
P.s. I won’t be able to respond until late tonight, but I will read any and all advice. Thank you my loves