"But I know you are, and I don't know how to stop it."
Consort Fluffybutt told me this tonight while we were talking about last night, and my panic attacks and my anxiety.
"Please stop second guessing me, and us. I love you. I want to be here. You may not be easy to deal with but neither am I. Please believe that I want to be here."
Is what he said when I told him I'm sorry I'm not normal and that I feel bad that he has to deal with me, and that I understand if he doesn't want to deal with it.
I know it's not easy for him, or any person who is in a relationship with someone with any form of mental illness. And he's trying, but he doesn't know what to do. I don't know either. He's far from perfect, including mentally, but I guess he has a better handle on it than I do. Whenever I get panic stricken or have an attack, he does what he knows - he tries to reason me out of it or use humor to cheer me up. I told him it won't work, and he said he knows and he's trying to break the habit, it's just his first instinct.
He's just so different from me in some ways. He doesn't have as much empathy as I do (which isn't hard considering I have too much empathy for my own good) and he's not as emotionally driven as I am. He's not sensitive, and he's logical. Nothing about this is bad, it's just different. 99% of the time it's a fantastic balance to me and my personality, but that 1% of the time, when I'm having a panic attack or my mood shifts so suddenly that I can't get out of bed because I convinced myself I'm so much of a failure that there's no point, his logic doesn't work. He might as well be talking to a brick wall. It just doesn't process and all I hear is "your feelings are stupid because logically this doesn't make sense."
But that's not what he's saying, or even implying. He's trying to help in the only way he knows how. He's trying to understand how my mind words but even I don't understand how my mind works. Sometimes he just cannot grasp why I'm so upset, and that's because there's no reason. If there was, he would be able to reason me out of it. But he can't and that's frustrating for him, because he just wants me to feel better and he feels helpless. And I'll try as best as possible to explain what I'm thinking, but because most of the time it's not logical, anything I say isn't...logical. It's erratic, or hyperbolic. Sometimes it really is kind of silly.
I almost want to write down my inner dialogue while I'm having a panic attack and show it to him, so maybe he can see how it works. I'm not sure what to do. I know it's not my full responsibility to help him deal with me, but I still want to. But how do you help someone else when you're constantly at war with yourself?