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I dreamed that I choked him. (Mild TW sexual assault, violence)

The person who sexually assaulted me. I frequently dream that I confront him in some way and he acknowledges what he did - because he never did that IRL, because he told me it was 'just in my head' and he's 'sorry I misunderstood' and all sorts of crap like that. I was so proud of myself for telling him what happened, because I almost let it fly, but even when I did, it was about me, not about him. I sometimes dream that I contact him some way, explain what he did to me and how long it has lingered, and he doesn't contest the basic fact that he sexually assaulted me.

I hate those dreams, because when I wake up, I wonder if I should. I wonder if I should unblock him on Facebook, or send him an email. But I know that's a bad idea. You should never put your happiness or peace of mind at risk like that - the alternative, a lecture about how much I misunderstood or how it's my fault, would damage me more than an apology would help.

But this one... this one was amazing. In this one, I ran into him at a school reunion. I tried to walk away up some stairs. He followed me and tried to touch me. I turned around AND I CHOKED HIM. I wrapped my hand around his throat, and I pushed, and he fell back against the stairwell railing. And I kept pushing, and he ended up on a ledge behind the railing. And I could have pushed him right over, but I stopped. And he asked why I was so mad. And I yelled "Remember that time when you tried to rape me?!" and he responded with "Yes."


And that's all I needed to hear. That I could say that, and he wouldn't respond with excuses, or qualifications, but just 'yes'.

I feel really vulnerable today. I feel like I won something, even though I didn't. I also feel like I lost something, because it wasn't real. It's sad how much it would mean to me to know that he will admit what happened. And in my case, it was very clear - but not clear enough that I would have ever called the cops. Just clearer than it usually was, from an outsider's perspective.

I feel empowered today. And I also feel ashamed, because I'm not a violent person. But if I could ever hurt someone, ever physically attack someone and want to win with every bone in my body, it would be him.

I hope I can post this here. I can't tell anyone about this, because my boyfriend won't want to know that I still think about it, almost four years later, and I don't have other close friends that would want to talk about this. If anyone else feels like sharing their stories - dreams, wanting to contact, feeling unresolved years later, anything at all - please consider this an open thread to do so.


I didn't want to find an actually appropriate picture (this is serious enough already), but I thought this one was cool!

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