I'm just going to vomit sadness all over because I don't really have anywhere else to talk about it. I was hooking up with a friend, but we ended things 2 weeks ago because we were not well suited at all. I'm still so fucking sad over it.

I had a crush on him for over a year, and I thought he liked me too. I never went for it because I didn't think we'd work out and I didn't want to risk a friendship over it. We hooked up one night when we were both drunk and decided to keep doing it. It was fucking stupid to do it when I knew I liked him and wouldn't be able to keep it casual, but I guess I was just so horny or something.

I'm so sad now, and he's not affected at all. While we were hooking up, he was pretty detached as well. I honestly thought he felt the same way as me, that he liked me but didn't want to date. It's pretty obvious now that he didn't actually like me in the way I thought he did.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I spent the entire time trying not to fall for him but getting more and more attached, but he was just getting laid and not thinking anything about it. I feel so stupid for being so typical and letting myself get hurt and used.

We hung out tonight to play guitar together. I thought I'd go over and show I could be normal and cool, and be all charming so that he'd feel a little sad over what he was missing. I couldn't do it though. Just seeing him and seeing how cheerful he was and how fucking easy this all is for him hurt so bad. I was barely keeping it together. And we were playing some love song and some sad breakup songs and I just felt like shit the entire time. I hate that I can't be a fucking normal person about everything. I hate that I'm so hurt and that I was so stupid.

Worst of all, he was one of my best friends and now I feel like I'm fucking up everything. My other best friend is close with both of us, and as a result is trying to avoid all the drama. I feel like he's upset with me for ruining the dynamic of our friend group and he's not talking to me and it's killing me that I don't have either of my two closest friends right now.

Advertisement

The only thing that's getting me through this is the always appropriate Captain Awkward on precisely this situation:

So there you are, all shaggy and embarrassing bounding toward your person wagging your tail and doing that adorable thing you do where you pretend that you're not going to hand over the ball you're carrying in your mouth and your person doesn't even want your stupid ball and then the leash of reality yanks you back. That part of you is the purest and best and truest part of you, and you can't really turn it off. It's just going to love for a while.

I say this because it's really fucking frustrating to try to talk yourself out of having a feeling or beat yourself up for having a feeling at the same time you're having the feeling. So just have the feeling. Just be the Golden Retriever of Love. You're not stupid for feeling it, you're not a bad person, you didn't do anything wrong. You just feel what you feel, and you'll feel until one day you stop, and you can't decide when that is, so don't even try.