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I feel like I am a wreck...

I guess I'm just going through a fucked up period in my life. Transition is hard.

I cried for like 2 hours earlier in regards to the situation with ex-Hopeful. I'm struggling to figure out if I can be friends with this person. I may just need a long break from him because this is not healthy to keep being upset every other time we text. What he did was wrong. I've lost respect for him and I no longer trust him in the same way. I am not sure how to come back from it or how we could be friends given our previous "friendship" involved feelings and seeing each other naked/sexting. I know things take time, but I'm just about ready to say "Fuck off" to him and anyone else who annoys me today.

Things are slightly better with my family but it's hard. I sometimes feel when my mom got with my stepdad, and then had my sister, I became less and less part of this new family. I know part of this is just me being upset lately, but at the same time my mom has said and done things perhaps inadvertently to make me feel more and more like I am an outsider. My mom pretends my dad is the only one who has done this sort of thing to me but in reality she has done it too. Even my sister told me yesterday when I didn't feel like picking up food for us "Well you're not a part of this family, so you should pick it up.". She didn't say it to be cruel, she stated it very matter-of-factly (yes I know she is a kid, but still). A 7-year-old put into perspective what I have been feeling since even before she was born.

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It is the things that my mom and stepdad say and do that have made it what it is. I know my mom loves me and he cares for me, but they do and say insensitive shit all the time. They want me to "grow up" and when I do things to try and be a "grown up" I get shit on anyway.

A few friends have made me feel like crap for months now and although I have made amends with one of them, I can't help but feel that our progress is going to be stopped once I move. I'm coming to accept these realities with some of my friends, but it's still kind of hard. I guess it makes it worse that I try very hard to keep up my friendships with people but half of the time, I don't get much effort in return.

Let me get into my Imposter Syndrome too: I know very few people in real life who have doctorates (besides my professors in undergrad of course), and even less, anyone who even got a Bachelor's. Most of my family, immediate and extended, were lucky enough to get through high school. People just don't get an education where I come from and I only have so many people that know where I am coming from of being scared to start something I only ever dreamed about for 5 years. I don't even know why they picked me to be in the program and sometimes I sit here and think about it. I don't think I'll feel like I'm good enough until I'm well into the program.

I don't really need advice or anything. I just wanted to vent and have a place to write things out. I know this is a hard time and that things will smooth themselves over, but applying to programs and getting into one, while great, has been one of the hardest changes in my life and it's coming to me all at once. Yes, I'm proud of myself and I know I should be, but I think I also have a right to be scared. I appreciate that my friends and family are proud of me, but nobody seems to understand that while I'm excited, I'm scared. And I don't always want to talk about me leaving all the time, I want to spend what little time I have left here with people as much as I can and NOT talk about me moving. I know people are not saying these things to be insensitive, but yeah...

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I don't know. My eyes hurt. I'm tired. I feel like I should take a nap. I just had to ramble so thanks for letting me ramble.

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