I’m sorry if you guys are getting tired of this, please feel free to skip over if you’re tired of my breakup talk, I’m just really struggling and I’m trying to get this out of my system and I really need a safe place so I’m not just talking myself in circles in my head.
He texted me last night saying that he has been talking to several people about his actions and he is realizing just how horribly he fucked up and how terribly he treated me for the past month. He says he has many things he wants to say to me in person whenever I am ready. I am so angry, I feel like this isn’t fair. Yeah, maybe it’s nice on some level to hear that he’s getting it, but I feel like he’s coming to me to unburden himself or assuage his ego and I won’t do it. I refuse. I was no where near ready to hear something like this, I specifically asked him to leave me alone. I just texted him back and said that I asked to be left alone and that I have a lot of feelings of anger, heartbreak, and betrayal to sort through before I am willing to speak with him about these matters. I feel so depleted right now. The past month wreaked havoc on my body and my spirit. I haven’t eaten or slept well in many days now and I know it will screw up my immune system if I put myself through any more of that. I always get terribly sick during or after break ups just from all of the stress hormones pumping through my body (sadness/grief hits me very physically). I have already dropped some weight and I am fighting to just stay above water and feed myself/sleep/do basic self care, and his fucking arrogant ass reaching out to me against my wishes smashed the small amount of peacefulness I had achieved yesterday. The fucked up thing is I am deeply in love with him and this naive part of me hopes that him sitting in agony over my absence will shake things lose and make him realize he doesn’t want to walk away from me, or maybe that’s already happening. Either way, I’m no where near wanting to have that talk right now. If he feels bad, I want him to feel bad. I want him to feel guilty. I want him to feel miserable and like he’s accountable. I don’t want to make this any easier on him. I tried that, all it did was make me feel like shit while he lapped it up and continued being lazy and selfish. It REALLY REALLY sucks because I have seen the childish immature coward part of him, but I still know who he can be when he makes the choice and that’s the man I fell in love with, and it SUCKS watching him cheat himself. Meanwhile I am left with the pain. UGH.