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I Finally Broke

He was wonderful while he lasted. I thought I'd found a partner. Now I've lost my friend. I've been trying so hard but I can't anymore. I give up. He did something months back, just something careless, but he knew not to do it and he'd already been in trouble for doing it before. Now I'm stuck with the consequences of that, including a PTSD flareup that has me waking up every other night with a triggering nightmare.

I know he didn't mean it. I know that he felt bad. I sent him a message that I needed him to tell me that he's sorry, even though I knew he was, because hearing it would make me forgive him and then I could go on and deal with the effects. He didn't. That made things even worse. I told him that I realized that he has problems expressing himself when he's stressed out and that I know he is, so I'm going to put my issues aside and help him get through his so he can get help. I told him that it wasn't optional anymore. He ignored that too. I explained to him exactly what I wanted to do to help him, all with his permission, with the fewest problems for him— only help.


That time on that offer has passed. I can't torture myself over him. He wasn't a partner after all. I won't do this anymore. I love Cute Boy Person but unless he gets help with his communication issues, I can't afford to pine over him. And if he's going to treat me like this, I can't afford to be his friend. One does not knowingly allow a partner to suffer at their hands; one does not knowingly cause one's friend harm by refusing to pick up a phone and saying "I'm sorry" when it's true.

I told him to let me know when he gets the help he needs and to mail me my things. I've unfriended him on Facebook. I've taken off his custom ringtones. I put my phone on silent. I'll have to turn the sound back on before I go to bed, but once I'm done with tomorrow's errands, I'll probably just turn it off.

I can't care anymore. I can't afford to care. I'm done.

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