I don’t even know why this was a surprise to me. I would have thought I would have known about this one, I guess I didn’t expect anyone would use it.

My reaction was basically Arsenal (Young Justice) when he’s about to be captured again. He freaks out, and fucks everyone over to save himself because he just won’t do it again. He can’t do it.

I’ve mentioned in previous post that my ex would threaten to kill himself when he wouldn’t get his way. I dealt with that for months. It’s like being held hostage. Actually much of the relationship was like being held hostage.

So I was trying to do my DBT homework for this week and my Dad who was very drunk came to talk to me, and I knew he was drunk because he always asks the same question and then never remembers the answer. He went on about a lot of shit. I couldn’t keep a straight face when he said “I want you to be successful.” I explained that yes, he wanted me to make money, but because of how much he critiques and sabotages everything I wonder if he want everyone to fail, so he can prove we are nothing without him.

At some point he said

“well I guess it will be better when I’m dead.”

I lost it. It was like NOPE NOPE NOPE

I’m not going back. I REFUSE TO DO THIS AGAIN. I tried to remained clear headed and I said very loud

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“FINE JUST GO THEN! Because you will never understand that you are valued, respected and useful. You will never believe that. SO just go. Just leave like you threaten to do. Or go to therapy and deal with whatever this is because I can’t.”

He didn’t understand, and thought therapy was a waste of time and then changed the subject again.

He hovered around me this morning as I was getting ready to leave. I just don’t want any of it. I can’t do that. I will not do it again.

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No. NO NO NO.