It was in the pocket of an entirely different sweatshirt from the one I was wearing on Friday (I wore a pink one, and found it in the pocket of a grey one), and said sweatshirt was shoved almost entirely under my bed. I have NO CLUE how it got there, absolutely no ideas at all, but I'll take it!!! You guys, I am SO relieved. I have no doubt that I found it today only because I cancelled the food card yesterday (7-10 business days to receive the new one), because the gods have a strange sense of humour, but I'm really not complaining! Also, yay for procrastination, because I hadn't cancelled or replaced anything else yet! Everything was in there, gift cards, license, lipstick, and all.
Things are looking up!
ETA: I removed the picture.