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I got some goddamn Doctor Who theories again

Right, so, spoilers!! below. Geeks come play with me. Idk anyone who is caught up to talk about this cause I think everyone I know bailed on the show half way through series 8 (so did I but I came back and caught up for River.) I tend to get carried away and become incoherent when I’m fangirling out but I’ll try to restrain myself.

So alright - I’m starting to think the Doctor and River had a kid.

I was never an advocate of this plot development, probably because they are my OTP and I don’t want kids, so in my happily ever after dream they just had 24 years of sexy domestic adventures, BUT THEN:

1. I read the Legends of River Song, which I believe is supposed to be canon (but honestly, don’t buy it, it’s really not very good) and was released in 2016, with River in one of her costumes from the Husbands of River Song on the cover. Really the only decent story in it is the first one, Picnic at Asgard, in which we finally find out that Asgard in this instance is a theme park. And in which the only important plot event is that River is trying to ask the Doctor the entire time if he wants to try for kids.


She keeps talking herself out of it because they wrote him as even more of a flighty child than Eleven ever was on screen, IMHO. But then at the end he’s lecturing some alien teenager and she’s like “oh crap he would be a good dad,” but then she decides not to ask him anyway, because maybe at some point in time and space they already had kids?????? Idek, man. (Reading this book made me really want to beg the BBC to hire me to write their supplemental stories because if this is their standard, I totally could. I HAVE IDEAS.) But anyway. That planted the baby bee in my bonnet.

2. They’ve been (somewhat strategically, I’ve always thought) bringing up the fact that the Doctor has already been a dad at odd intervals since at least series 6. Twelve had a pretty memorable quote (to me anyway) in “Dad skills.”


3. Couple of throwaway lines in THORS that I thought were sort of weird while watching, but weren’t enough to dwell on much until I watched it back to back with the Return of Doctor Mysterio. Including referring to a head as “the new baby” (though in this context not theirs) and “Hush, mummy and daddy are busy” which is just, ugh, adorbs. Initially I just took it as “everyone else in this room is not on our level” but then...

4. Dr. Mysterio has a lot of baby action, obviously, because the main guest-star character (Grant) is a nanny. But first we get to see Twelve being all stupid-cute with Grant when he was a kid. And I know the Doctor has usually got on well with kids in his many incarnations but, maybe it’s just his age, I dunno, it has a different vibe to me. Twelve makes a damn adorable Doctor Dad.


Then they bust in the apartment and the Doctor is carrying the baby and lecturing Grant about leaving her alone, and Nardole, who has been with him and River on Darillium this whole time (how much of it as a robot and how much of it magically reattached to his body, we don’t know,) comes out of nowhere with a warmed up bottle for the baby?? This is when my spidey senses started tingling the second time around. Later the Doctor taunts the defeated villain saying he has to go change the baby’s nappy and does not seem at all fazed by this.

5. Remember that hybrid BS? (sorry, I have a lot of problems with series 8 and 9. And 7 tbh.) . I’m not putting it past Steven Moffat at all to have that wishy-washy “hey maybe it’s Ashildr, or maybe it’s actually two people for some freaking reason and it’s you and Clara because you have such a toxic codependent relationship”(hey at least somebody said it) be the actual answer and then just drop it. But, more and more I’m thinking the reason they said it could be a Timelord-human hybrid and didn’t confirm or deny that it was two people was because they have something else in mind.


Main question this leaves, of course, is where the hell is his kid? But you know this freaking show. They do weird stuff.


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