That's what the bad night was.

I was looking through dissertations of students in grad programs I'm looking into for Immunology and...holy shit. I feel like I will never get to that point. I didn't even know what most of them were saying. How am I ever going to write something like that? Maybe I really don't have the mind for this. And I got really, really scared.

So it spiraled into a panic attack because anxiety. And when I came down from that I just kept thinking of how I just want to be normal. I want to be normal with normal thoughts and feelings and reactions and moods. I want to stop having anxiety and being depressed. I want my mind to function normally, I want to be able to think things through logically. I don't want to need therapy. I don't want to be scared and think that my sister's right and I can't do this or anything at all.

And I just want people to understand that I'm not normal. And you can't reason me out of a panic attack because there's rarely a logical reason I'm having one. And that it's not ok to make jokes to try and cheer me up when I'm like this, because I'll rarely react well to them. And it's not ok to tell me to just calm down or not freak out because it's not a switch I can turn on and off. I know I'm hard to deal with and I know being in a friendship or relationship with me isn't easy but if I'm so frustrating then just...go. Don't stick around and not even try. I try to make it as easy as possible for everyone. I tell them exactly what to do when I get this way. But it feels like people want me to react how they would and I'm wrong for not.

I don't understand. I don't need someone to fix me or my problems or give me the answers to everything. I just want to be told it'll all be ok and you love me and I'm gonna be fine, not make a joke that well if you fail out of General Biology then you won't have to worry about a dissertation. I know you're just trying to cheer me up and any other time I would have laughed, I'm sorry it failed this time though.

I'm trying to be better, and calmer. I guess it's not working too well though cuz I keep upsetting people.

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Sorry for all the posts tonight. Didn't mean to flood the group with my inanity. I just don't really have anyone to talk to and I can't sleep.