While I took my mid-day, fever induced nap (which was like 3 hours long). For the past 3 weeks I've been dreaming about the ex here and there. Either that we're still together or that we get back together, something to that effect. It's not an every night type of thing but it happens.

Today, I dreamed that he tried to come back, and I...said no. And I remember, in my dream, thinking about the new boy (my friend). He wasn't in the dream but I was still thinking about him.

Right before I passed the fuck out around 11 am, I texted him "my fever is back, I cancelled the practice test for today and I'm not going out. If you wanna stop by later let me know" cuz the day before we said we'd hang out after my test. A minute after waking up, he called me and said "if I bring you soup, you gonna eat it?" followed by "what else do you like when you're sick? Movies? Candy? Cuddles? Ritual killings?" So a couple hours later he came by with a giant thing of chicken soup, a bottle of Jameson (my medicine) and some horror movies. He works for NASA so he's on furlough at the moment, hence the late afternoon visit.

And it also reminded me how the ex never...did that. Ever. He also never asked "how are you feeling?" when I was sick (and I'm always sick). He'd know I was sick and wouldn't even ask "how are you?," "are you feeling better?," or "is there anything I can do?" Not once in 2 years did he ever do any of that.

When the ex and I were still together, I'd often ask him things like "do you love me?" or "do I make you happy?" One of my close friends, V, knew this. During a fight the ex and I had over the summer, V said something to me that didn't quite resonate until recently. She said "when someone loves you enough, they won't even need to say it. You will never have to ask because they will radiate it."

I'm surprised at myself. When him and I were together I couldn't fathom feeling that way about another person. The whole world revolves around them, ya know? I could not for the life of me picture having those feelings for someone else ever again. And I don't, not yet. But sometimes all it takes it a simple "what can I do to help?" or "how are you feeling?" to get the gears in motion.

Advertisement

I'm also slowly becoming less interesting in meeting the people on OkCupid who have contacted me. I didn't even check my account today. 'Tis weird.