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I hate being like this. TW: sexual assault, anxiety, and depression

I suffer from anxiety and depression. I haven't had health insurance for almost 3 years (not to mention my parents really seem to not understand the complexities of either of these things and make me feel like shit whenever I talk about wanting to go back on my meds) so I've been without therapy or meds for about that time. Unfortunately, my anxiety often manifests in a way that when my mind wanders I will go through my interior rolodex of every stupid thing I've ever said or done and every bad thing anyone has ever said about me. Again, my parents (who are actually supportive in their own way) will say "But why do you do that? Why are you so hard on yourself?" And I have no way to explain it. It's not fun. I don't enjoy being this way. I don't want to think about how awful I am. To attempt to combat this, I actively try to keep my mind distracted with music, tv, reading, games, podcasts - usually by way of my iPhone. My phone dies really quickly because of all of the usage so I try to keep a way of charging it on hand. Last night, I forgot and my phone died before I could get home. And my mind wandered to my rape.

I can talk about being assaulted in a usually cool and calm way because I don't allow myself to remember all of the details and stay detached from what happened. Like I can say "I was raped." and feel totally fine. I can read stories about sexual assault and not get trigged. I can even hear the song that was playing and not bat an eye. But last night, while everything just flooded back in this way. I just remembered a lot of things that I really really buried away. Luckily, my walk wasn't that long. I got home, turned on some Beach House, took a bath, cried, and tucked it away again. I know this isn't a lasting solution. I just don't know what else to do.

As much as I know that this was not my fault, there is a part of me that will always blame myself. This was someone that I cared about and trusted.


I'm overall feeling better but I just deleted a huge chunk of this post (and thought about deleting the whole thing) and had to give myself a minute to combat the growing climb and fall into the anxiety attack abyss.

I hate being like this.

ETA: Don't be surprised if this disappears. I'm feeling sort of embarrassed that I wrote this.

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