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I hate having crushes. Hate them. HATE THEM. And then, when it actually happens that the two of you get together, and you start to relax and feel like "Oh, yes, this one could be something!," and then things start going really well, because you two get along so well and spend lots of time together and everything feels so easy and real and he makes you laugh and you make him laugh and la la la... but you know that everything is about to come crashing down soon because there's a whole other factor of his life that you can't avoid but you both have to pretend you can avoid for now because otherwise you'd just be abruptly ending a wonderful friendship and so you live in the moment and decide to let things just be what they are and everything's working just fine until LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU GET YOUR PERIOD AND FEEL LIKE CRAP AND ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS PICK A FIGHT. But you don't pick a fight. You get sullen instead.

So you get to work and write a little email apologizing for being sad and trying to pick a fight, and he writes back that it's all ok, because who doesn't have bad moods? And that's the worst, because he's nice, and kind, and caring, and funny, and smart, and an amazing story teller, and handsome, and goofy, and brilliant, and just wonderful... and you realize that you've gone so far beyond crush that you'll never recover.

But he's coming to my play tomorrow night, and I can't wait to see him again and again and again and one day never again. For now, though, all I can do is focus on just being. Not sullen, though, I need to stop focusing on being sullen. Happy? Peaceful? Excited? Turned on? Curious? Grateful? Yeah, I can focus on those things today.

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