I am a month and a half away from turning 49 (Jesus take the wheel) and my cycle has been cahrayzy since I got off the pill in Dec 2012 after being on some kind of hormonal bc for the last 20+ years. First I gained 15 pounds like someone handed them to me and then, about May 2013, I started having AT LEAST two periods a month. Fairly heavy ones with bad, miss-a-day-of-work, cramps. (My lovely brother said my uterus was in its "death throes") So finally I go make an appointment with a new doc because the one I loved so much had retired. I saw the CRNA and she performed the PAP and said that I had some kind of infection because my cervix was a pretty shade of purple (she really didn't say that but I like pretending she did) and that it bled when she touched it. Also, based on my complaints she was going to recommend me for a pelvic ultrasound and uterine biopsy. (I posted about all of this when it happened last September & October)

So the ultrasound was THE WORST! Nothing more fun then having someone pushing on your uterus when your bladder is over full. And the biopsy, a few weeks later, was even more fun because that is when I finally "met" my new gynecologist and found out had a horrible bedside manner and no sense of humor what so ever. I don't know what was worse: the pain from the no numbing agent biopsy or him not at least smiling at my jokes. My mother had insisted on accompanying me to the appointment and the procedure I said "HOLY SHIT THAT HURT!" as I walked into the full waiting room to retrieve my wallet so I could pay for the fun times that had just been had. It really did hurt and I did not return to work that day or the next.

A few weeks later the doctor's office calls and says that he recommends a D&C. So I ask if there was anything on any of the tests (ultrasound or biopsy). They tell me that everything was fine so I ask "Can I just get some more BC pills?" well no I could not. Not without this ham handed bastard roto rootering out my insides. I said I would think about it and "don't call me. I'll call you". I really don't want to have a medical procedure that really isn't necessary. I'm just crazy like that. Well I'm just crazy.

FF to January and I am back to just on period a month but it's very heavy and the cramps are still bad. Every month I call my mom to tell her I am hemorrhaging and to remind her of my desire to have my dead, bloodless body thrown in the woods because fuck all those burial costs. My mom never seemed that upset over my pending death. I guess she didn't know she is no longer the beneficiary of my insurance or my 401k.

FF again to around March and now I am barely having a period at all. The first day is kind of the last day. Meaning *bought to get gross* that the "discharge" is dark and gloppy like it usually at the very end of my period (and maybe yours too. I don't want to presume). So that's not too bad except since I'm not on bc I never know when I'm gonna go to pee and that I've started. This goes on until mid May when I have another near bleeding to death experience, this time with clumps (I call my mom: "THERE ARE CLUMPS!" she just laughs), and feeling as though some invisible entity was trying to rip my uterus out of my body. THREE DAYS OF CRAMPS. THREE.FUCKING.DAYS!

But then radio silence until today. EIGHTY TWO DAYS after my last one (per my period tracker! app.) I was so hoping that the last one was the end but nope. My body is not tired of screwing around with me yet.

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TL:DR I should have gotten a hysterectomy in my 30s