". . . as bad as I am I'm proud to say that I'm worse than I seem."

I have some stuff I need to get out so I can go on with my day. My life took a serious turn for the worst starting about a year ago (after a bunch of "normal" shitty life things happened). I won't get into it, but it culminated in my being let go from my job in October. I can't work in my field until after next January (don't ask, I'll dox myself). I've been unemployed since then and have had all of 3 interviews for the 50+ jobs I've applied for. I'm almost 40, overqualified for most jobs (I have 2 advanced degrees), and underqualified for most of the jobs that are out there (manufacturing, clerical, customer service). Even call centers don't seem to be giving me a second look. My last unemployment check is next week. I have an interview today for a part-time retail job that I probably only got because a friend is the asst manager there (whatever, I'll take it).

So, now I'm plunged into near-poverty (by US standards) and can't go anywhere or do anything fun without budgeting for it. I've never had disposable income, but I've been able to go to movies without planning a week in advance. I live in a very nice, but VERY small two-bedroom that we outgrew a year ago. Add to this Babydaddy's new gf. She sounds great and she's very good to him and Little GV, which is very important to me, especially after the last gf, if anyone remembers. She has boundaries and no intent to take over as mom. The problem is that she has the life I was on track to have until my life derailed. She's in my field and has achieved the things I want to achieve. She makes six figures and can give Little GV everything she needs while I shop for the kiddo at Goodwill. They're moving in with her next month so my critter will get to live half-time in a gigantic house with the perfect bedroom, room to have sleepovers with a bunch of kids (we can fit one other kid in her room), and very little stress.

Things with Mr GV are kind of fucked up right now. We're both under a lot of stress with me not working and his schedule is really screwy this term. This doesn't help the problem we already have where he can't get his needs met without me figuring it out and pulling it out of him. I want him to go to therapy so he can talk about all the things he can't talk about with me and maybe won't be so closed off (he didn't used to be). Dude lost his shit peeling a difficult hard-boiled egg the other night. Something ain't right. I plan to approach him tonight. It's a kid-free night and the last for a five-day stretch. The place is too small to have important conversations without being overheard.

All of this is compounded by the realization that my mood medication hasn't been working for six months. I've been a total mess and can't even trust my thoughts right now because they always steer me in the wrong direction. Everything is awful, I'm a terrible mother, and Mr GV is going to leave me when I get on my feet. These things aren't true, but they're relentless and hard to combat. I thought I was a mess because my life fell apart, but maybe not. I boosted two meds (which has helped things settle some) and am waiting for a new rx of the generic I used to be on. Then maybe I'll feel like I can deal. This is one area where Mr is a champ. He doesn't take anything personally, is excellent at problem-solving, and doesn't make me feel crazy.

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Oh yeah, my cat died and my former MiL, who was still family to me, also died.

All of that said, I know I'll get to where I want to go because that's what I do. I put one foot in front of the other until the path clears and I figure shit out. I'm just trying to keep my head above water as I tread like a motherfucker.

As always, thanks for listening, my favorite internet stranger-friends.