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Welcome To The Bitchery

After having lived in a city, I really grew to love the willful disregard of one's neighbors. I didn't want to know them, they certainly didn't want to know me, and everyone was happy. I believe this custom exists as a way for human beings to tolerate living in such close physical proximity to each other without flipping out. It's a great system.

I live in the suburbs now. In the grand scheme of things, I have very harmless and manageable neighbors, but I just generally hate having them. Their need to discuss the minutia of my day-today activities has started to bother me so much that I sneak to my car from my back door to avoid talking to them.

They all have their own special annoying traits which I'm sure are mostly just a reflection of how much of an asshole I am, but there is a common thread that I just can't get over- they are always informing/explaining/instructing me about obvious and moronic things (usually things I am in the midst of doing correctly and without struggle). I am not a genius by any means, but it is getting ridiculous. Offenses include:

Warning me that traffic is worse in the morning and after 5

Telling me the day that trash gets picked up as I am wheeling my trash bin into the street for pick-up (spoiler alert, its tomorrow morning, that's why I'm out here)


Informing me of the names of the flowers that I have acquired and am planting, and telling me that I have to remove them from their plastic containers before I put them in the ground (You don't say!?)

Dashing into traffic to tell me not to cross the street there, and then escorting me across

Telling me the location of local businesses that you actually have to drive by to get to our neighborhood, including an enormous grocery store, pharmacy, and other amenities that I have obviously frequented in the TWO YEARS that I have lived here.

I have never asked any of these people for help or information, or done anything to create the impression that everyday is my first day on earth. Can someone explain this behavior to me?

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