I don't even know why I want one.
I do know I'm horny as all get-out and feel completely worthless for never having dated someone for longer than a couple weeks and being nearly 23. I do know that whenever I do have any little tiny success it feels good, but I also feel incredibly guilty and ashamed for feeling good about it. I do know I have never taken pride in anything I've ever done. Nothing has ever contributed positively to my own personal self image. So how the hell am I ever supposed to feel good if somebody ever likes me?
Doesn't that sound so fucked up? I have a successful flirt or something, which is exciting and all, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Feel ashamed to have felt that way. Don't actually believe I get to participate in that kind of behavior. I'm fucking further away from being a functional or attractive human being than I have ever been yet I'm more desperate than I've ever been at the same time.
I thought the key to getting over these messed up thoughts was to put myself out there and have experiences I hadn't had before. Nope. I went on more dates between April-October than the rest of my life combined and I never once stopped feeling like shit for doing those things. It was all exciting in the moment, but I was ashamed to let anyone know, or even admit to myself that it was ok for me to do those things.
I'm just ranting right now. None of this stuff has gotten fixed despite the fact I've been trying since college began to actually fucking like myself. I never have. It's only gotten worse with time. I feel terrible working on myself. I don't feel like I owe anything to myself. I haven't always felt like shit, but I do now and I'm finding it hard to come up with motivation to feel good when feeling good has gotten me absolutely nowhere.