This is how I'm feeling today:
(source, in case you've been living under a rock and haven't been introduced to HaaH yet)
I've been on my medication for almost two weeks and I've only seen my therapist twice. I had a good weekend. Things are slowly getting better. But today is not a good day. Work is especially hard because I don't have the energy to get anything done, and I don't want my boss to see me crying.
I have put Gina down when I get home tonight. I've never had to put one of my own cows down before. I saw this coming yesterday already, my husband tried to tell me she was fine and there was nothing to worry about, but I knew. She had a nosebleed yesterday, which was really strange. The she wouldn't stand up when I fed them this morning, it is her time. I tried guys, I really tried to fix her.
I didn't even want to say anything to you guys, because as Allie says, it's very uncomfortable for everyone to have their feelings at me. When I told my boss I wasn't having a good day because of my cow, he looked so sad. I don't really want other people to feel sad. I want them to tell me I'm a badass bitch for being able to walk out and shoot my own cow between the eyes when I get home tonight. I am so proud myself for being able to do this, because it's the right thing to do and it needs to get done. It's the hardest part of farming but I am a "real" farmer and I am going to do it. She deserves me doing it myself, not pawning it off on someone else. I could have had her butchered months ago, but I wanted to give her a chance and I spent hours and hundreds of dollars trying to fix her. I hope she found it worth it, and I didn't just add to her suffering.
Sorry for making you listen to my sad story. Love you guys.