Short story: as many of you know, I am the costume mistress for a small community ballet company. I have been doing this for 20 years, first as a volunteer and then as a paid (small, but paid) production staff.

This fall I broached to my director that I was thinking of stepping back sometime in the next few years and they should start thinking about who might step in to replace me. This isn’t the kind of position that can turn over every couple of years - we do an annual Nutcracker and have a rotating repetory of 4 other shows.

After Nutcracker, the director advised me the woman that is going to take over wants to start next season. So , this is now my last show.

And I’ve been crying all day. We’re in the midst of dress rehearsals, so I’m working/commuting to my full time job for 11 hours, then going straight to the theatre for another 4 hours. I’m barely eating. And in a lot of ways, I know this is the right thing to do. There have been so many frustrations in the past few years and they are not going to go away - and it’s gotten even worse this show as I designed a new corps costumes for adults and the dancers have been fussing and tweaking and complaining and ... I just feel so disrespected. They would never do this with other people’s designs, but mine are treated like suggestions. And my director, who is really lovely, just doesn’t want to say “no” or “ask bitchy” so the dancers keep pushing, pushing, pushing.

Anyway, I started crying on stage tonight (I’m also one of the adult corps for this show) and have been crying since I got home. I’m just not ready to go. I love this, I love the girls, I love being in the theatre.

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(insert David Tennant gif - “I don’t want to go”)