My shoelaces on my left shoe have become imbalanced, and one is longer than the other, meaning I step on it with my right foot and untie it all the time. The plastic cap has also fallen off, meaning I can't unlace the shoe and relace it. HELP ME MY LIFE IS A GREEK TRAGEDY.

ETA: Also I just ate pizza so quickly that I think I may have caused myself to suffer Oxygen Deprivation. WHEN WILL MY SUFFERING CEASE.