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I have no empathy. My Mom had some type of cardiac event last night/ early this morning. They are saying it was a mild heart attack. Her enzymes are slightly elevated and they will be repeating the labs to see if they futher elevate but they don't anticipate they will. So essentially, she is stable. When my step dad first called to tell me I was angry.

She seems to be on a mission to kill herself TBH. She smokes like a chimney, is morbidly obese, has a terrible diet, is a borderline diabetic, and lately self medicates with vodka, vicoden, and valium. She is a completely different person than even five years ago. I'd be surprised if she didn't get fired from her job, which she's had for over 35 years now. She has a year or so (if that) until she can retire with a wonderful pension. Since the passing of my Grandma (her mother, a year ago on the 21st) she has become very unstable and hasn't worked more than two months consecutively without going out on some kind of medical or personal leave/disability.

I feel like such a dick because I know that she is in pain and her and my Grandma were very close but it has been a year and things have only gotten worse. Almost every single time I see her she is in tears and crying at some point about either my Grandma or my brother (who has severe mental illness). I tried to talk to her about how tearful she's become lately and she told me that maybe I don't cry enough. Ok, I cry, but when I do it generally is done in privacy... I HATE crying in front of my mom and I think it has something to do with all the crying she does but I'm not really sure.


But anyway, I found out that she is in the hospital about two hours ago and I have yet to call her. My step dad admitted to me that he initially thought that this was just another reason for her to not work and slip further into her depression and self pity. The same thing crossed my mind honestly but we quickly agreed that we were assholes for thinking that and clearly something has happened to her health wise given the elevated labs. She sees a psychiatrist and is on two anti depressants that she just told me were working very well and that she has been feeling better lately. However, right before I spoke to my step dad today my brother informed me that she's been drinking vodka every night. This is concerning because she's never been a drinker. He thinks she has been drinking about 1 bottle a week. I mentioned it to my step dad and he said she tries to hide the bottle and he finds it in random cupboards sometimes. I think a bottle a week is a lot but it doesn't even matter if it was less than that because I know she is drinking it to self medicate.

Ahhh, I feel nuts, I'm 39 weeks prego and about to have a baby. I don't want to be at the hospital unless I have to be. Sorry this post is scattered but I just needed to dump all these thoughts somewhere. There is much more to it than what I've just written (there always is) . I am so deeply concerned about my moms well being and the issues run so deep that it overwhelms and frustrates me to the point of not even wanting to deal with it.

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