Ok, I know I post about relationship crap on here a bit, but I'm feeling sad and lonely and I just need a space to vent. Some of you may remember the post I wrote a couple weeks ago about my boyfriend who has been having some sexual dysfunction issues. And you all were very supportive in telling me it's not my fault. We had a talk about it today and I think I need to break up with him, but I feel confused and sad and like a failure.
The last week and a half seemed to be really great - we were spending a lot of time together and our sex life has actually seemed to have rebounded back to a better place. But then today, we were hanging out at his place and he got kind of quiet and withdrawn all of a sudden, and I asked him what was going on. That led to a long, very honest talk about how he's still feeling like there might be some "lack of spark" between us but that he's unsure and really doesn't want to end the relationship over it. I put forward the possibility that this might have to do with him quitting smoking weed and being sober in a relationship for the first time ever and he agreed that could very well be what's going on - but said that he's still worried that it's not that but rather just a lack of a deep enough sexual connection. He doesn't want to repeat a pattern from his previous relationship where he felt like his ex led him on when she wasn't really into him. He said that it's not as if he isn't attracted to me or doesn't want to have sex with me, but that he just doesn't feel as...passionately connected to me as he thinks he should (and apparently has been with other people in the past).
This stuff is really not easy for me to hear. We actually had a very calm and mature talk about it, but I am just feeling like absolute shit tonight and struggling super hard to not completely internalize all of this. I just feel inadequate and not good enough and like I am someone that no one will ever love or feel passionately about. I do really think there is something to the idea that this is a result of him quitting smoking pot and being under a lot of stress lately and not really knowing how to cope with that - but what if that's not it, and what if I just am not good enough? I've read all the literature on sexual dysfunction in men and how it's not the fault of their partner - but what if it is my fault, in the sense that I just don't do it for him, regardless of the quitting? Even he admits that at the beginning of our relationship, we really did connect that way and both of us were thinking "Oh my god, this is amazing, we connect on every level." And then somewhere along the line, he apparently started losing that passion. He says he feels like everything else in our relationship is going really well and he doesn't want to end things over this, but felt he had to be honest.
I know, I know. I should probably break up with him because I feel like shit right now and I don't need this. But I am sad. And I feel like a pathetic failure at relationships because the last three men I thought I had a real connection with have all told me that there was "something missing." This relationship just lasted longer than the other two. I just feel like I am fundamentally wrong somehow, or missing something, or unlovable. I don't know why, I don't know what I could possibly change about myself, and it makes me feel helpless and sad. I don't know, it could be his problem, but I can't stop thinking that it's all my fault.