So I was futzing around on the Interwebs today, looking for some shit about the Walk of Fame (yeah, I have no life. Zero.) And I found out that Vanna White has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Which, if you follow the career of television spokespersons as closely as most people do, you probably already knew that.
But in the course of that, I discovered something even more awesome.
Behold, the greatest five words ever strung together:
"Vanna White, America's favorite crocheter..."
Vanna White has her own line of yarn. "Vanna's Choice."
You can buy yarn that Vanna White chose. She chose that shit. Personally. Like there was other yarn and Vanna looked at it and went 'nope.' That yarn is not Vanna's choice. This shit is.
At first I was like 'whuttehfuck' but then I realized something. Of course she does crochet. Of course she does. She's Vanna-fucking-White. OF COURSE SHE MOTHERFUCKING KILLS AT A CROCHET.
She makes them as gifts!!!! Holy shit! I knew it. I knew Vanna White was fucking nice like that. I bet if you came over to her house and you were hanging out and you saw that blanket and you said 'wow, that's a nice blanket' you know she would totally go and make you one! Like you'd be a home, and the doorbell would ring and you open the door and there's a package from Vanna White, with a blanket just like the one you liked. And she probably writes really nice messages in them too, like 'Hi Burt! You loved the blanket so much, I made one just for you. Enjoy!!! Love, Vanna" Because's she's Vanna-fucking-White and she writes nice notes with her gifts. Also, this exists.
Then, it got me to think about the really important issue here. How do we know that she's really America's 'favorite' crocheter? How is that decided? Who anoints you 'America's Favorite Crocheter.' Is it like the presidency where we vote for it? Or is it like the papacy, where a high-ranking cabal of crocheters from across the country all get to cast their vote for who 'America's Favorite Crocheter' is.
And just where are these secretive meetings held—in some hidden room inside the mansion of one of America's most powerful crochet elite? Or do they just use the community room at the YMCA like all the other craft groups? Does she keep the title for life, and then she when she dies, all the crocheters have to reconvene? Is there a power struggle going on among the crocheters within Vanna's inner craft circle?
This blog post may hold some of the answers. Among the list of names of 'famous' crocheters, we see a list of women in various positions of power. Among them are many of Hollywood's biggest power players, such as Eva Longoria, Sally Kirkland, Aretha Franklin, Madonna, (who I assume counts having a cadre of woodnymphs use telepathy to create crocheted items magically out of thin air as 'crochetting') Patricia Arquette (also, worth noting she was married to Nicholas Cage and played a psychic on NBC. Neither her character on TV nor her ex-husband crocheted. Seems suspicious.) and Estelle Getty, one of the stars of the show 'Golden Girls,' which also aired on NBC. Now the pieces start to come together. Sadly, we will never know if Estelle Getty was indeed America's true 'favorite crocheter' and if Vanna pushed her out of the way in an epic grab for crochet power.
I do not know if my theories are correct. I do know, however, that questions must be answered! Also, as I suspect my writing here will attract the attention of many in the higher eschelons of crochet power, perhaps even America's Alleged Favorite Crocheter herself, Vanna White. So, if Vanna White is indeed reading this article, I feel I must now address her directly about something that is very vital to this issue:
If you were to crochet me a blanket, yellow would be a really great color, because I use yellow to accent my living room. Mostly just throw pillows and decorative items. There is some yellow in the throw rug as well. I mean, I would really be fine with any color, but you know, since it looks like you probably have access to pretty much any kind of yarn that you want...why not go with yellow.
ETA: If you want to pick up some Vanna's Choice Yarn, (and judging from all the commenters raving about it, you probably do!), you can order some here.
"Burt" is a comedy writer, buffet aficionado and spirit conduit for Mr. Burt Reynolds, aka the greatest human being of all time. Burt Reynolds Is Her Spirit Guide. Her origins are largely unknown. Some people suspect she was raised by a pack of wolves, except it is highly unlikely that wolves would put up with so much drinking and swearing. You can follow her on Twitter @americasbaby1, on Tumblr, or check out her blog,www.drinkcursescrew.com.