Welcome To The Bitchery

I Just Don't *Get* You Frozen Yogurt

You might be familiar with the dessert confection known as "frozen yogurt" a frozen treat made primarily with yogurt. It's a trendy dessert here in Los Angeles, you can't go two blocks without passing a frozen yogurt merchant. Most places offer up a do-it-yourself soft-serve style trough of options with tantalizing flavors of all kinds, but don't be fooled by it's allure. Frozen yogurt is a LIE.


You see frozen yogurt and think; "this looks like ice cream, maybe it will taste like ice cream!" it does NOT. It tastes like someone sucked all that is good about ice cream out and stuffed it in whatever soft-servey tube you got it from. The sign said "red velvet/cheesecake swirl" what it really meant was "creamy ass flavored frozen ass water" frozen yogurt will never be ice cream, no matter how hard it tries. The only redeeming quality frozen yogurt has with regards to my taste buds is the option of putting mochi on my dessert, because mochi is actually delicious, unlike frozen yogurt.

Not only that, but the allure of frozen yogurt is the idea that it is somehow a healthier option. MORE LIES! Although stats may vary from trendy place to trendy place; the same amount of frozen yogurt will have about as many calories, sugars, and fats as its more delicious counterpart, ice cream does. AND it's not even vegan or dairy free! What is the point of having an ice cream alternative if it is made with essentially the same things that a person who can't eat ice cream can't eat???

In conclusion; frozen yogurt is a lie. Don't believe it's frozen lies because it is lying to you on all fronts. Eat ice cream. Studies* show that it is good for the soul! Or try this non-dairy option:


Because it is more delicious than anything ever on the planet because coconuts are the nectar of the gods.


*no actual studies have been conducted to support this claim, but it's true and you know it.

Share This Story