Yeah, yeah, pregnancy hormones mood swings blah blah thats why I’m miserable blah blah blah best time in my life and I’m not appreciating it blah blah blah.
While I do have a case of the baby blues before baby is even here, I have other things in my life causing some blues. I hate my job. I’m a manager at a second hand book/vinyl/media/whatever store and you wouldn’t believe how much physical labor and lifting goes into the job. When people bring their items to us, they load them into our totes which look quite a bit like mail carrier totes. Depending on what these totes are filled with, they can be well over 25 pounds and usually each customer has more than one of these totes. I’ve been told I’m not allowed to lift over 25 pounds. But guess what happens? I still have to lift these totes because either someone isn’t available to help me, or my coworkers are just assholes. An example of my coworkers being assholes? The employees who are in the buying area have chairs to sit in while they look through orders. I was in the buying area yesterday because I was unloading/receiving shipment (oh look! Another thing I’m not supposed to be doing!) and I asked one of them if I could borrow a chair while I worked on shipment. He threw a hissy fit about not having a chair, so no chair for me. So here’s me, standing and pushing around a heavy metal cart full of shipment and pregnant while all their lazy asses are in chairs. There were 5 of them back there. Everyone watched the exchange and not one offered up a chair I could use for 20 minutes. If I need help lifting something, I have to beg and half the time I end up doing it myself. Every day I leave work and my back and my legs hurt so badly and sometimes I have cramps (hey! Not good!) I’ve applied for other jobs, but so far no joy.
This sounds like a bizarre thing to say, but I miss stripping? Maybe I just really miss dancing (you know, since I can’t do it and I’m going to be rusty when I get back into it). I had a good time and I always had money and it really didn’t bother me as much as people would think. It’s definitely not a long term career or a career goal, but for whatever reason I liked it. Baby daddy and I ended up having a heated discussion where he said if I got back into it after the baby was born he would take the baby and have me declared an unfit mother. So that was fun.
I’m just all around miserable. I don’t feel anything like myself, and no matter how many hobbies I try to take up, it’s just bleak neverending misery and boredom. When I talk about this with a lot of other people, I get asked questions like “do you really want to have this baby?” (Yeah, I do and if you ask me again I will wire your fucking jaw shut).
I feel like I’m bucking some sort of social norm that you’re not supposed to talk about how fucking miserable you can be while pregnant. I know I’m not the only lady who has felt this way. Some people try to helpfully suggest that I’ll know what to expect when I have #2 and it won’t be so bad, and then balk at me when I say I’m never doing this again ever. This has been the longest almost 15 weeks of my life. I don’t think it would be healthy for me to do this ever again, especially while I’m trying to raise an existing child. It would be terrible. I am just a lady who really doesn’t work well pregnant. I feel like some disembodied science experiment most of the time. Yeah, the ultrasounds are amazing and that’s my little wild child and omg I created this, but I am so uncomfortable in my shared body. I’m not glowing, it’s either sweat or the residue of tears (I can’t even keep my act together at work sometimes. I started crying the other night at work because someone’s order smelled bad).
I don’t really even know if I’m writing this for support or advice or funny gifs or what. But thanks for listening GT.