TW I guess, regarding loss, minor TW about weight (?). But it’s mostly about how much one thing can hurt.

Starting off with what was said. Context: Told my mom I was having nightmares again.

Mom, cutting me off: “Why don’t you just go to the gym? You should go to the gym. People who go to the gym don’t have these problems”

Me: “Uh, well, I don’t think that has much to do with my nightmares-”

Mom, cutting me off: “Do you want to end up like your grandmother? Because-”

Me, cutting her off: “Please, I can’t talk about her, please don’t mention her.”

Mom: “You should go to the gym.”

It’s worth noting that I’m perfectly healthy, but statements like these trigger much more than my body image/control issues/volatile relationship between myself and my appearance (long story, unrelated).

Background: My grandmother died maybe a year ago. I can’t remember the exact month or day, because I just numbed myself. Everyone basically said “She’s out of pain” or “These things happen”-I was so close to her, even though I’m far away. I cried for five minutes, and read something I don’t remember writing at her memorial. Everyone said I was so eloquent in my reading, but I don’t remember it.

Recently, I’ve been having dreams about her, and hearing her voice in them. I told my doctor-probably the biggest supporter in my life-and she said the most meaningful thing that helped me: We are finally going to tackle my grief. Just to clarify, my therapist is not the one who made me sad, but the only one willing to help.


It’s my mom. See the above exchange.

There is so much more, so many other hurtful statements, so many throwaway lines regarding my grandmothers passing. I should be ‘over it’ according to her (Worth noting, my grandmother was not her mother.)


Not even sure if this is coherent. I don’t want to write anything else. It’d turn into a longer post.