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Hey GT. I feel like it's been a while since I've been here. I'm sorry for that, just been busy as all hell. I've been creepily lurking though! Because I love you.
Anyhow, I'm feeling a bit down and just want to talk a bit. I don't really have anyone I can go to with all of this stuff (you'll see why as I go on), so I hope you don't mind me coming here. This will, basically, be a post of me venting. So if you're not feeling it, feel free to skip.
Alright. I'm not sure where to start so I'm just going to start typing and hope it isn't a completely jumbled mess.
I feel like I'm running out of friends. One of my best friends moved to Texas. Another very close friend joined the Army. My best friend is considering the Army, or at the very least will probably be leaving the state for dental school relatively soon. Those are just the ones I'm still close with. A few others who I used to be close with and I don't speak/hang out as much anymore. One is pregnant, and while I care about her a great deal, I'm not a huge fan of the father. Another friend had a drug problem, and while she's clean now (I hope) it's still a draining friendship. I haven't cut her off completely, nor do I want to, I just can't be close with her for now. And my core group of friends, well.
After the Prince and I broke up, we stayed friends and I stayed friends with the group. I always felt kind of like an outsider with them, but they treated me kindly and said they considered me family so I stuck around. But unfortunately, there was an incident lately and I'm unhappy with it. There was some drama with my closest friend in the group where he was being accused of things. I severely disliked the way the rest of the group handled it. I believe that some of the accusations were false, and no one took the time to even talk to him about any of it, they just cut him out completely. This person is a very, very good friend of mine, so I was upset at how he was treated. On top of that, another group member who has done worse things (in my opinion) than what my friend is even being accused of has been forgiven and given a million chances. I really dislike this other group member, for a myriad of reasons but especially because he's done hurtful things to me, and I just can't bring myself to sit around and watch everyone treat him like nothing happened while someone who I consider my brother is being shunned for things that may not even be true. So maybe that one is my own fault, for possibly losing those friends, but I just...can't.
I know that all of things are to be expected. We're all getting older, people move forward with their lives and people grow apart. I fault no one for moving forward and leaving Brooklyn, nor would I ever expect anyone to stay here for me. But the selfish part of me just wants to keep all of my friends in a house forever. I just miss the ones who aren't around anymore and will miss those who will leave. I'm just sad and lonely.
I just want to be done with school, or at least with journalism. I hate it. You guys, I fucking HATE it. I do not want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to finish the goddamn degree and never look back. I'm just afraid of the future now. Cuz I want to go back to school to do medical research, but I'm scared.
I hate my job. I'm being treated like crap there and I just don't like the environment at all. The only person I genuinely like as a person at my job is the maintenance guy. I always end up working by myself Saturday nights so he always hangs out with me and waits with me for my cab or ride or whatever, and we just bullshit. He's probably in his 60s or so and is from Poland. He's just so kind and funny and I really enjoy him. It's the only part of my job I like. Waiting for a cab so I can hang out with the maintenance guy.
The apartment is still not done. Painting and floors still aren't done, unpacking still isn't done. And everything in this fucking old as shit building is a pain in the ass. Need a new bathroom vanity? Oh, they don't make them in the size you need anymore. Bedroom door doesn't fit in the frame because of layers of paint. Windows are insanely hard to open and close. Toilet has a crack in it. Cabinets are dirty and broken. It's just a bunch of little things but it adds up and it's so frustrating and tiring.
I'm just unhappy. And I can't talk to anyone. How am I going to tell my friends that I feel lonely because of them? I can't do that, that's so awful. I don't want anyone to feel guilty for moving forward with their lives.
It's been a while since I've felt this down and overwhelmed. I definitely feel like I'm handling it better than I would have a year ago. But I'm always scared it's going to spiral and I'm going to lose my shit again, and I really don't want that to happen. I've gotten therapy down to every other week now instead of once a week, and that's been scaring me (my therapist and I just decided this last week). She thinks I can handle it twice a month, which I think is a good thing. But I don't know, it just scares me. I remember myself a year ago, hell, even 6 or so months ago. I don't ever want to go back there. And being this sad and scared reminds me of that and that's a really scary thing.
I feel like there's more I could say but that's it for now. Thanks for listening, guys.