I tried everything you guys advised me to except for the enema (I figured getting rid of my tubular flora would be pretty drastic), and overnight senna tablets were what did it in the end. I think it was too late for the coffee and dried fruit and such, but the docusate sodium worked a little (maybe a lot, I don't know what it would have been like without them).
So now I'm hoping I'll just magically go back to being regular. I'm going to add extra fibre to my diet for a while and see if that helps, now that I know I'm not "impacted". I'm still confused as to what caused the problem, which of course annoys the heck outta me. It may have been my new birth control pills, or it could have been psychosomatic, we may never know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Thank you all so much for your wise words and comfort! Y'all are the best <3
(...in my bowels)