TW *negative body talk, no numbers*
Today I was determined to get a couple pairs of jeans and a couple pairs of pants for work so I told the big bird I needed a couple hours to go to the mall by myself. He was totally fine with it. I don't know if it's because it's the Superbowl (note: neither team is my home team) but the mall was pretty dead. Which was perfect because crowds give me anxiety. Shopping gives me anxiety in general so I made sure to take an Ativan before I left. I had noticed our mall got a Loft a few months ago so I was going to check them out for jeans. I stopped at New York & Co. and found a sale on their 7th Avenue boot cut pants. I decided to suck it up and get the size I thought I was and the more realistic size (a size bigger) to try on for comparison. Pick what looks best, don't care what the number is. That was my plan. To my surprise the smaller size looked best. So score! This isn't going to be too bad.
Loft was a total bust. The store was weird. They didn't have much of a selection. I grabbed the two sizes I tried at NY&Co in the modern fit. And I must be some weird in between size because they both looked awful. I needed a long size anyways. Too short.
I was motherfucking determined to get some jeans so I can finally stop wearing maternity pants. As comfy as they are, they don't really fit and it's sort of embarrassing to me to be 5 months post baby and still wearing them. So I went to my last resort. Maurice's. Now I haven't been to Maurice's in a really long time. So the fact that they had Silver jeans was kind of weird to me. I wasn't really interested in spending a ton so I just went over to their brand jeans. I grabbed the same two sizes. On my way to the dressing room I saw some cute designer jeans so I stopped to look at them. I haven't bought regular jeans since before January 2013, then I got pregnant, and had a baby. I have no idea what size I currently am, So I grabbed one size/length combo and a different pair with a waist 3 inches larger than the other pair. At this point some tiny, blond salesgirl (TBS) asks if she can start me a changing room. I told her I'm actually ready now and tried to avoid showing her the sizes I had. She saw the bigger size I grabbed and said "What? You're not this size? Really?" I tried to just tell her I haven't bought jeans in a while and wasn't quite sure what size so I wanted to try a variety. She began to try to take me back to the jeans to get a smaller size. A size I knew wouldn't fit. So I insisted I'd like to try on what I have. I felt really embarrassed and stupid. I started to cry when the biggest size I grabbed fit the best. I felt ashamed for about 2 seconds then I said to myself "fuck it. I need jeans."
TBS came by to see if I needed different sizes. I'm sure expecting me to ask for something much smaller. "No I'm fine." I sneak out a few minutes later and find one size smaller. I'm almost back to the changing room when TBS sees me digging thru a pile of jeans. "Did any of those work out for you?" "Sorta." I mumble. "Well what didn't fit. I can help you find..." At this point I cut her off, maybe rudely I don't know, and said I was fine and would just try on what I had. These new jeans I grabbed fit perfectly. I tried to ignore the numbers, ignore TBS, and just make it to the checkout. And of course TBS is at the checkout, judging my body and the enormous size I needed.
So I was more than ready to leave after that experience. I was upset that this woman who didn't know a thing about me and my body, thought it was her place to comment on the size jeans I grabbed. Don't you think I would know my size better than your eyeball assessment? So whatever I have pants with an actual zipper and buttons that fit but I feel really low about myself now. It's a spiral because then I feel lower that I care what some girl at the mall thinks about me. I wish I knew how to feel confidence about myself. I think all the positive self talk I have been doing was throw out the window today because I feel like the world's biggest, fattest, loser today.
ETA: Okay I think I'm finally done crying at home over this. I don't think TBS was being malicious but it triggered me in a really bad way. Of course she had no idea what I have been thru but to be told by someone much, much more petite than you that you don't look as big as you actually are feels condescending at best, rude at worst.
ETA 2: Nope. Still crying about this. I really hate myself. I hate the way everything looks on me and I hate that so many of you are trying to make me feel guilty for projecting onto TBS.