We ended up talking for about 4 hours and shut down the Panera Bread that we met at...
Okay. I’m just going to cut right to the chase and tell you guys that after thorough discussion, we ended up getting back together last night, so Ex is now just Boyfriend again. It was a really long, emotional, intense, honest talk, but in essence: we both shared what our perspectives have been on what happened in our relationship, why it was ultimately good that we broke up when we did, what we would have done different with the knowledge we have now, et cetera. He apologized. Both of us cried and there was a moment where we just locked eyes (this is where the fucking cheesy bullshit starts happening) and I just...felt everything between us, I guess, if that makes sense. We stared at each other for a really long time and I felt us get lost in each other’s gaze (oh god did I really just type that ugh vomit) and I felt the emotions stirring in both of us. He told me that I was his best friend in the entire world and that he’d missed me terribly and had wanted so many times to just call me up or text me to tell me when certain things happened to him over the past six weeks, and I told him I’d felt the same way. We basically just came to this shared conclusion that things got really ugly between us when his depression resurfaced and my abandonment fears got triggered really hard, and we both acted out of immature places driven by fear of getting hurt and of hurting the other person. We sat outside in the parking lot after the restaurant closed and he pulled me close to him and we kissed like crazy teenagers.
I think what it all boils down to is that we’ve both still got strong feelings, but to be in this now we have to go about things in a smarter, more measured way instead of being totally tossed up by whirlwind emotions. He’s in grad school now and I’m about to be in school and working five days a week. We can’t be consumed by each other the way that I think we were in the beginning. I called him this morning and we had a half hour talk about what this needs to look like going forward in order to be healthy. He has to focus on school and manage his depression. I have to continue building relationships with other people, focus on school, work on my anxiety and get prepared to move in a few months. (incidentally, I’m transferring to the same school he’s currently doing his master’s at, which had been the plan before we ever even dated.) I think we both just want to work on making ourselves as happy and complete as possible separate from each other and then come together and see if we can work. I’m not about to force a square peg in a round hole and if it doesn’t work this time, it doesn’t work, but at least we’ll walk away from this knowing that we gave it our best shot. He said his intentions were to take this slowly and be as fully present with me as he can be so that if things either work out or they don’t, they’ll be for the right reasons. I just want to walk into this being able to fill my own cup first so I’m not looking to him to do it for me.
I am cautious for sure, but I am hopeful, and I feel like this is the right decision as far as my heart is concerned. If it ends, it ends, but I doubt I’ll be in the same place that I was before. I’m doing my best to go into this with open eyes.