Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

So, yep. I'm a little bit freaked out, but still ok overall because I made it to 36 weeks and 4 days on one kidney. I brought that baby all the way to now, and I was born at 36 weeks myself, I'm ok with him emulating his mommy already. So, if the proteins haven't gone down and my blood pressure is still borderline, the docs are giving me something to ripen my cervix and then a day later, something to make everything happen. This means I'm delegating last minute shopping to family (I don't haves baby sheets, you guys, I thought I had more time than this). I'm not sure how I should feel. I know I hate not knowing until tomorrow afternoon. I didn't want to stress the little guy by forcing him out, but I'm getting increasingly sick of hospitals and worrying about the state of my kidney (it could be just pregnancy putting stress on it, it could be another previous kidney issue, we can't know before I'm not preggo anymore). I don't know if I'll be able to breastfeed, I'm not leaking even a little and if proteins don't come down, my nephrologist will put me on meds that will make it impossible. I think I'm ok with that, I always thought : hey, I'm lending my body for 9 months, if I choose to stop doing that afterwards and keep my chest to myself, it's nobody's business. I still want to breastfeed if it's possible though, so I would be a bit disappointed, but not too upset. I just don't know if I'm more eager to meet the little guy, depressed about getting him out before his time, worried about my own health, freaking out about becoming someone's mother. I feel at peace AND really afaid at the same time, does that make any sense? I don't think I'm afraid of labor per se, but the whole process, and the actual baby afterwards, it is still so abstract and it might very soon not be.

It's scary. I'm sorry about rambling. I didn't know how nerve-wracking it was to make a whole other person (hyoomon) and now, it's almost over. It's almost begun.


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