I know that GT can't actually do this for me, I have to do it myself, but here it is: Between general self-sabotaging tendencies and procrastination, I tend to fuck myself over a lot lately. I haven't been studying as much as I should, I've missed a bunch of deadlines for job applications, and I've realized that my SADS is actually a lot worse than I've been letting myself think.

I know what I need to do. I need to polish my cover letters and my writing sample again. But I don't like my writing sample at all — the one my summer supervisor sent me is frankly not a great piece to use as a sample, because it has a lot of references to a prior memo on a related topic, and I'm not sure how good that looks to employers. It took a long time to get it from her, too, so I'm not even sure about the etiquette of getting a different memo. I had suggested a different case in the first place, but she really wanted me to have this one for some reason.

Then I need to actually apply for jobs. Mostly what I do is troll job boards, mark jobs to apply for, mark deadlines, and then.... nothing. It's really bad. I feel like I've done something but really it's no better than before. I've potentially missed out on jobs I really want in places I like because of this. It's seriously stupid.

So, I just need to actually apply to stuff. It's not that fucking hard, but I still find reasons to not do it. I've gotten two rejections this week from jobs I applied to last month, so if nothing else, that should be an indicator that I need to put more applications out there, right? No coasting on applications I submitted before.

The worst part is that I know the job market is bad, and that I'm average at best, so I need to be super aggressive in applications to get a job. I've had this figuratively pounded into me for three years. But somehow things have worked out year after year, so I've basically learned that procrastination and coasting work out in the end. Then I question whether I could have achieved more or done better if I had actually done what I was supposed to instead of taking the easy-but-panicked route.

The same goes for exam prep. I have about three weeks, so I need to buckle down now instead of driving myself desperately nuts by trying to cram. Not doing it is self-sabotaging. I need really good grades to push my rank just a little bit higher, and I'm taking 18 credits, so it's not like I can take it easy.

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On top of these rather normal personal tendencies, my SADS is in full effect. I've been justifying it to myself with "oh, I'm just not at my baseline happiness," but honestly, it's significantly worse than that and I've just been making excuses. Emotionally, I'm pretty ok, if a little less happy and a little more grieving (my dad died two years ago last January, so it's not unexpected). When it comes to motivation and lethargy, though, I'm in the dumps.

A series of nasty colds/infections knocked me on my ass for the last week of October and a good chunk of early November, so mostly I was miserable and sleeping a ton because that's the only way I get better. But I've gotten better, and I'm still sleeping 10 hours a night. I come home, eat dinner, put on Netflix, and "nap", which comes out to sleeping until 9 or 10. Then I wake up and putz around for a while before sleeping again at 1 or 2am, and then I have a difficult time getting out of bed to do work in the morning.

The obvious solution is to exercise more and get more sunlight and eat healthier, because that is always the best way to alleviate my SADS. And then I don't, because why go to the gym if I could sleep? It's straight up self sabotage, and it hurts issues (a) and (b) (jobs and studying) because I sleep most of the evening and a chunk of the morning away. I don't think I'm at a bad enough place to be seeing a counselor yet, because I'm still emotionally pretty level. It's just the sleep/motivation issue, and the solutions really aren't difficult.

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Having written this, I feel like I've given myself the kick in the ass that I need. But I know that, having written this, I'll feel like I've done more than I have, and that serves as an excuse to continue bad behaviors. I don't really know what I was looking for by writing this, but I needed to share it with someone. Thanks for listening, GT.