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I Need a Scientist to Talk Me Down!!

So, there is a little bit of background necessary. Hold on to your butts and walk with me here.

A) I am a generally smart human, who reads and listens to NPR and doesn’t go freaking out over weird internet hoaxes. I have a sort of degree in science (it’s an Associates in Mortuary Science. There’s like, chem and anatomy and stuff. don’t make fun- I deal with cockroaches crawling out of people’s mouths.) I also have two full undergraduate Arts degrees. I’m a generally well educated person, who understands stuff.


B) A dear dear friend of mine is a wonderful human being who is warm and funny and loving and generous and also believes that GMO foods mayyybbee give you cancer and also I should cut out gluten because reasons. She’s a Lulu Lemon wearing, trust-afarian, Whole Paycheck shopping, Deepak Chopra hippie who worries about mercury in vaccines (but doesn’t rage against them. Just sort of worries. She’s “asking questions”- but hates when I compare her to 9/11 Truthers who again, are “just asking questions” She also does not have or want kids, so... I let some of it go. She also drinks like an Irish Sailor, and also does not understand irony)

C) beyond a general unease about the cartoonishly Evil Monsanto Corp; I have literally no problems at all with GMO foods. Golden rice feeding the hungry; hells yes! Making fresh fruit and veg more affordable/accessible- sure; sounds great! Let’s do this!

So, Hippie Friend invites me to an organic food dinner thing. She sells it to me as an underground dinner club, that just happens to be organic. Ok. Cool. I’m in a “Big City” and have decently cool friends, I had been hoping to get in on something cool like underground dinner clubs. I totally say yes. I may be surrounded by crazy hippies, but there will be food and booze- and lets be honest, I will walk into Hell itself if the devil promised punch and pie.


So, I get off of work and and get myself dolled up (edit, I brush my hair, swipe on some powder and mascara, spray myself with some perfume to combat the particular whiff of the dead) and head over to a super cool underground dining experience.

Spoiler alert! It turns out to be a table of food served with a side of CrAzY. You guys- every thing that was passed around came with a fucking story about how it was grown from heirloom seeds using like lemon rinds and good thoughts as insect repellent and how if we let GMO foods take hold of the country we will lose our humanity and turn into zombies or some shit. But here’s the thing- those veggies were ah-mayzing. So, so good. I’m a good cook; and still these dishes were light years better than what I have ever produced in my kitchen. I knew heirloom tomatoes were generally better, but honestly just thought that was due to being able to eat what you grew fresh from the vine and varietals you can’t get at the grocery store. But like the corn? And the fucking squash? and like the beans- it was all just so much more flavorful than what you get at the Kroger.


I need a science-y scientist to tell me that grocery store veg is bland because it all travels from Mexico or Brazil or where ever. Are GMO’s gaining production and sacrificing good taste? Is that an okay trade off? Are there food scientists working on vegetables that are both resistant to disease AND taste like awesome? Can you say that you are pro-GMO, but then only eat organic because it is tastier? Is that just crazy privilege? Answer my questions!

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