I have to be applying for jobs like crazy for the next few weeks until everything shuts down for Christmas. I'm not. University applications close soon. I don't even know when.
Today is the first time I showered in four days, and I actually ran some work errands in that time, while I'm pretty sure I smelled. It's been two weeks since I've lost my last job and I've done practically nothing constructive since then.
I've tried to reach out to friends, who keep cancelling on me, telling me how busy they are all the time, that they're happy that they don't have my problems, or just blank me when I try to reach out.
Actually, I disappeared from Facebook overnight a while ago, and no one thought to reach out or ask about me.
Tonight I took myself into the city and had dinner alone and I'm writing this post outside instead of in the house as if that were better.
I'm so angry. I'm angry all the time.
I'm angry that I spent four or five months applying for work, and the job I got didn't last a month. (That's not a one time thing. I had constant job instability pretty much always).
I don't have any reserves of hope and energy. I keep working and it falls apart on me on yet another way.
I'm so angry at myself for not giving up on film earlier. I could have been establishing a career in my twenties instead of being lost. I could have had a house and a family, instead of waiting year after year for my work in this field to get just a little bit more stable, so that I could have those things, and never quite making it there.
I'm angry that I keep letting myself down. That I keep being self defeating.
I'm angry that I was raised to think that being treated like shit was normal, and I'm angry that I'm still not over it. I'm angry that this is still my normal - barely working, barely making enough to live on, unstable living situation, friendships and relationships.Chaos boredom and loneliness. I'm angry that I still can't find my way out of it, when people have overcome so much worse to build happy lives.
I have such a long long history of unhappiness and fucked up things by now, it's just harder and harder to pick myself up and try again.