Because the thought of keeping this pace up for another 7 weeks is making me want to puke. (Warning: verbal vomit/negative post)
I'm sick of leaving the house at 5:30am and coming home at 10pm. I'm so physically exhausted that I feel nauseous 70% of the time. I feel like a miserable sad sack around my friends, coworkers, classmates, basically anyone else, so much so that I just want to crawl into a hole anytime anyone gets close to me. There are times that sleeping in my car on the college campus seems preferable to what I'm doing right now so that I wouldn't be commuting fucking 2.5 hours everyday. I'm sick of never eating a normal meal at a table at home, although I guess it doesn't really matter because my appetite is so erratic that I can barely keep up. I want to eat nonstop or can barely keep anything down. I keep forgetting to write things down, or where I'm supposed to be at any given time, I don't feel like I'm retaining anything that I'm learning right now and I hate it. Somehow I'm still making 2 A's and a B but this is literally mystifying to me because I NEVER remember even the time I spent in class, much less what we talked about.
I'm so angry about this entire past year of my life. I was supposed to be able to focus on my education and get my life back on track. Instead I got to live on random couches and floors after literally fleeing a place where I was told I'd always be welcome, the house that my own father grew up in, for fear of my own physical safety. My 50 year old aunt who couldn't be bothered to make sure I was doing okay for the first 20 years of my life expected me to move in with her and fucking parent her and make sure she didn't drink herself to fucking death instead of just letting me have a stable place to sleep at night. And now I've spent the better part of 6 months trying to pick up the pieces and praying to god that I don't fuck up in school in the process. I'd go back to my therapist and try to sort some this out but I can't justify spending student loan money on that when I'm already pulled so tight budget wise.
I don't even know what to do. I'm not going to drop out of school and I'm not going to do anything else destructive, but I feel like I'm losing a part of myself right now through all this stress. I don't know how to fill myself back up, I feel like I don't have any time to even do so if I DID know what to do. I hate it. And I'm kicking myself for making the decision to live with my mom right now after my counselor warned me not to do it, but I had no where else to go.
Ugh. I'm sorry if a lot of this doesn't make sense, but I really felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown if I didn't get some of this out.