So if you've been following my postpartum journey I've been struggling a bit with depression and anxiety since bringing home Baby Haa. I think I've always been depressed/had anxiety since my teen years but was able to self-medicate it away. Breastfeeding and being responsible for a human being means I can't do that anymore. I was starting feel a disconnect to my baby whenever we struggled. If she cried I immediately wanted to put her down (or throw more accurately). When Mr. Haa got home I practically threw the baby at him and hid away in the bathroom as long as he'd let me. I began to be unable to sleep at night after putting her down afraid she'd wake up. She was still sleeping in our room and I think could sense my stress because she slept like shit and woke up often. I cried all the time. I felt like the last person in the world who should have become a mother. This shit is hard and I didn't feel like I was cut out for it. I'm also dealing with tons of body issues that I had before the baby and now that my body is forever ruined, as I say, I hate it even more.

So I've been on the Zoloft for about 3 weeks now. The bad days are still really hard but I'm starting to enjoy the good days more. Baby Haa and I are developing a routine. She sleeps pretty soundly most nights in her own room. My doctor still wants me to make to talk to someone. She gave me a referral and they've called twice so far. I'm scared to make the appointment. I have so, so much baggage from a long time ago that I just don't know if I want to deal with. I saw a therapist thru my employee assistance program when Mr. Haa and I were having issues and I just felt like they didn't help us at all so I'm feeling pretty discouraged about the results of seeing someone else. Why go thru all the pain of rehashing things if nothing is going to change? I don't know if I want to be that vulnerable in front of another person. Some of these things I can't even tell Mr. Haa, my partner of almost 11 years, my best friend and he knows me better than anyone else. So now I'm just trying to work up the courage to call them back and make the appointment. Maybe next week.