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I need some Jezebel support here. Desperately.

This is really a tough subject for me to come to terms with. In fact it's so bad, I can't even discuss it with anyone in my real life because I am just too fucking disgusted and ashamed.

I had a baby 5 months ago. During the pregnancy I gained about 75lbs. This is because prior to being pregnant I had an unhealthy relationship with food. Not eating disorder unhealthy, but enough that I never gained a pound. When I found out I was pregnant, I was 5'8", 140lbs, and a size 6. I also chain smoked and drank obscene amounts of coffee daily, which helped me not eat as much as I probably should have been eating. Once pregnant, I quite smoking, reduced my coffee intake to one a day, and ate three square, relatively healthy meals. My body did what it did because it needed to, not because I was eating tubs of ice cream. Five months later I have lost about 35lbs of that (including the 7lbs baby) and still have 40 or so to get back to the weight I was when I got pregnant. I was feeling pretty decent about that. Sure, I would love to get back into my closet right the fuck now, but I realize I am human and I don't have a chef/trainer/nutritionist team to help me do that. I'm also breastfeeding so dieting in any sense of the word beyond just eating healthy is a no-no.

So now here we are five months post birth. I realized recently that something was wrong in my sex life with my husband. I found myself regularly dropping hints that I was ready for some action, and he would fall silent and nothing would happen. Finally a few days ago, I confronted him. He was reluctant to say so, but he confessed that he's basically turned off by me and would rather wait until I get back into shape.


What in the actual fuck?

Now, we normally have a really strong relationship. We are (were) "best friends". He has been faithful to me, supportive of me during this time, helpful with the housework/cooking/laundry etc so I can do a lot of the stuff required to take care of an infant. These are non-issues right now. The issue is that in his eyes, I am too fat to fuck.

I just don't even know what to do with this. It's not like he's super fit and holding me to the same standard he holds himself. There is a huge double standard here and I don't like it one bit. I'm one part devastated that the person I am married to would be this disgusting and shallow, and one part ragey and wanting to leave him. It's making me resentful toward him to the point that I don't even know if I can get past this. I just...I don't even know what to do.

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