Or be less sensitive in some way or form.
This week was a bit of a stressful week. Since I haven’t fully recovered from all the being sick-ness of the last month, this takes it’s toll. On Monday I had a row with my roommate that got a bit out of control when on Tuesday it turned into a fight with our whole friend group (who’d apparently been talking about me behind my back and had unintentionally and unknowingly caused a rip between roommate and I).
Meanwhile at work I got this new project which I wasn’t a fan of when it started since it seemed like it was going to be a terrible job. Albeit a 4 day project. We managed to pull together, get good energy going and do as good a job as we could. Which I found fairly amazing because I’ve been feeling pretty terrible about my job, mainly my skills at it. A team-wide workshop this Wednesday helped alleviate some of the negativity I feel towards my actual job.
So I’ve been feeling disconnected and lonely from my friends (for weeks since I haven’t been able to socialise much and this was the icing on the case). Feeling isolated and unhappy about myself/my job. And felt disconnected from BG because for some reason I just didn’t feel like we were on the same page. Although he tried his best to support me while I was fighting with my friends. (he’s a pretty reasonable fellow and not generally one to grab a pitchfork just as soon as an argument pops up which means I kind of wanted to bite his head off along with everyone else’s, while he was being worried and wondered how he could help)
When boobieguy and I sat down for dinner somewhere on Thursday and I’d shown him what I’d designed so far he made some comments that totally deflated any positive feelings about what I’d created. It certainly wasn’t his intent, nor were the comments especially negative. They just were easily interpreted by me as ‘I suck’ rather than what they actually said. When I got to work this morning, to get ready for the killer deadline day, I felt bad about what I’d made so far. I remade some things and they actually are better. But still I feel bad. About myself. My work. But him too. An ancient part of me remembers saying about my ex “He’s quite critical, but that’s good because it helps me strive to be better.” fast-forward to years later and I’m a heap of a mess of a relationship. I’m afraid that I’ll keep internalising rather than communicating and I’ll end up in the same place again.
I feel like a mess this whole week. I’m upset at everyone and every thing even though the problems have been fixed. It’s not unusual, I get that way a lot especially after I’ve been ill for a while. It sucks and I don’t understand why I do this to myself. I don’t want to feel negatively towards all these things. Especially not him or myself and I don’t want him to censor himself. But I still want to pull back and retreat into a cave. I need happy things to happen and there just hasn’t been much. The happy things I can do myself (appreciate that I actually accomplished pretty good things, take the compliments from my coworkers and internalise those rather than frown and shrug at them, take quiet moments to enjoy myself, enjoy being around my friends or whoever, etc.) I’m just not doing them. I don’t want to go to tonights party of my other friends (had nothing to do with the other situation) with him, or to the festival tomorrow. And at the same time I desperately do. But being there, my mind stuck in all kinds of dark thoughts, not being able to have a drink (not allowed any alcohol), not being able to drown it out or be myself. I just don’t know, it’s not appetising. (even though I know that he can almost always manage to get my mind on something else and get me to laugh and forget about things) But I’m scared that I don’t know how to prevent falling into the same trap as I did in my previous relationship.
I feel like I’m lashing out at him for the stupidest things. Like.. Not knowing that his new contract would actually start in december which means we wouldn’t be able to start looking for a place then. When I thought we would start in november. IF we’d decide we wanted that because I don’t even know that! I think. Or the above mentioned things. It’s like I’m preventatively turning him into an arse so it won’t happen later on down the line or something. Or I’m just stuck in myself again. As I am won’t to do. (trust me my friends are so tired of me once again only seeing negative things in my life and feeling the weight of it, when there’s plenty of amazing stuff and it really all isn’t that bad).
Whyyy must I make everything so hard. *dramatic sigh*
- end rant -