(TW and sorry for the rambling) because I am turning into a paranoid crazy-person. I walked to my car in a dark parking lot, with my keys on my wristlet, as always, so even if I drop them out of my hand, I can still use them as a weapon. I did not park under a lamppost, so it was dark in my SUV. I checked the back seat when I got in, but from the driver's seat. I did not check the far back. I looked in the mirror, convinced a silouhetted head would pop up, maybe with a knife to catch a glint of light. I drove home blaring the music, because if someone was back there, I was going to fuck up their ears. I cranked it, even songs I didn't like, and set the fader to the back, so that's where all the sound was. I then drove the rest of the way home plotting worst-case-scenarios. I was wearing my seatbelt, so gunning my car into the ledges lining the road would probably be okay. Or into a tree. Or into the guardrails. Or into a really big rock. Didn't much matter, since I was convinced I could just walk away. And then I could run. Or scream. Wailing on the horn was a definite must. And then I pulled into my driveway, backed into my space next to the house, turned off the car, and went inside. I locked it after I did a once-over, checking the far back from the outside, as lit by the interior light and a floodlight on the side of the house. Nothing was there. Because I am now a paranoid crazy-person.
I liked my life so much more when I was just driving home from the mall, singing along to music I liked, at whatever volume the song called for. Maybe it's naivete, but I'm not convinced the world is out to assault me. It's not out to destroy me emotionally. Well, yes, it is, actually, but that's more media/image-related. I know bad things have happened to women, and it's important to talk about why, in order to prevent such things from continuing to happen. I just feel so drained right now. Is it awareness fatigue? I don't know, but right now I'm fixin' to stick my head back in the sand and live my life knowing this is possible, but doing my best not to live in that place. What's that Christian saying? "Be in the world; don't be of it?" Yeah, I think I need to be that. I need to be my awesome self, and I need to be smarter. I don't need to be hyper-aware and fearful. It wasn't until I was 27 or so that I even noticed the evil around me. I went anywhere and did anything I wanted. I grew up with brothers. I could handle a lot. (I know this means nothing. It only supports my claim of naivete.) Nature has tried to kill me my whole life, and we're doing okay.
I'm glad people keep posting things, but like, dang. There's a reason we women don't talk about this stuff all the time. And there's a reason I'm antisocial and want to go live in the woods alone someplace. There's a reason America keeps cranking out these fantastical superpowered fairytale movies.
Because most days, the world really is exactly like Game of Thrones.
(again, sorry for the rambling. and no mainpaging. Not sure why, since it's so incoherent, but still.)