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I Need to Talk About My Eyes

And not in a "they're so pretty!" way.

I HATE my eyes. Not because of how they look (they are quite pretty, so I hear) but because they cause me hell.

I have horrific eyesight. I'm not quite legally blind, but my sight is something like 20/175. It's bad and keeps getting worse. I'm pretty convinced I'm going to actually be blind one day. I would love nothing more to get Lasik surgery, and many people have offered to pay for it for me. Except there's one problem with that.


I have something called "chronic dry eyes." This means that my eyes do not produce enough tears to fully moisturize them, which results in my eyes being red, itchy, watery and sometimes in full on pain, like I have needles poking them. Sometimes if it's too sunny outside, I can't open my eyes at all because it hurts so much. Lasik surgery won't heal properly if your eyes are dry, and I could very well end up blind if I try. I developed this at 15 years old, and have tried every solution out there. I finally got myself on Restasis (hardcore prescription eye drops) which worked for a long time, but then stopped working so well. So, on to the next step.

Punctal plugs. These are tiny, plastic plugs which are inserted into your tear ducts (usually just the bottom ones) that help prevent tears from draining in the hopes that said tears will stay in your eyes. I got them in...January? And for a good 3 months, they worked! My eyes stopped hurting! I could wear my contacts without problems! It was amazing and the doctor who put them in said that I could probably get Lasik surgery now!

Until a couple of months ago, my eyes starting getting red and itchy again. I thought it was just allergies, but it wouldn't go away, so I went to my eye doctor. Turns out I had an infection in both eyes, made worse by the fact that my chronic dryness had returned. I asked my doctor "are my eyes at least looking better now in general than before I got the plugs?" and she kind of looked at me sadly and said "no...they're worse. But I promise we'll fix this."

So I got more eye drops, which just made them worse. I can't wear my contacts for more than 6 hours at a time, if at all (and I have contacts made specifically for dry eyes). The sun fucking hurts again. And at some point I'm probably going to have to get the plugs replaced because they dissolve, but now I just don't care.


All I want is to wake up in the morning and 1 - be able to open my eyes without pain and 2 - be able to see. That's it. My eyes are never white. They're almost always pink or red and tearing. They're always itchy and sore. I fucking hate this.

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