I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. And she said the numbers are also pointing to Graves' Disease, but I need to see an endocrinologist to find out for sure. There is a thyroid disorder, but she couldn't tell specifically which one based on the blood work alone. But it's nothing life threatening.

I'm relieved, but I'm also angry. Because for 10 years I've been in and out of doctors and therapists offices trying to figure out what was wrong. All the physical symptoms - insomnia, shaking hands, extreme sweating, diarrhea, heart palpitations - as well as all the mental, like my anxiety and depression and mania, there's been a reason this whole time. And no one ever found it. No one ever even thought to check why my periods were so bad and debilitating. No one ever thought to wonder why all the symptoms lined up, mental and physical. Instead they put me on birth control and wanted to stick me in a mental institution because anti-depressants weren't helping me.

I feel like I wasted 10 years of my life. 10 years, ruined and gone and me thinking I was crazy and sick and dying and nothing would help. What would have happened if I had known about this earlier? I guess it doesn't matter now.

*Sigh. But...I'm not crazy. I was never crazy. I wasn't imagining things this whole time. My brain is ok. I can fix this now. That much is good, right?

But something else is going on. For my whole life I was essentially taught not to be angry and to forgive people and let things go. But I am angry. And while I don't want to harp on it, I don't want to let it go. I want to feel it, I want to feel something. But it's so much and I don't know what to do with it.