It was about as bad as I was worried it would be (as in really really bad), but everyone else felt so, too. So I guess that should make things better, at least?
But I need to figure out what to do with my life, because I don't think I can handle grad school any more. Everyone in my life says I look so worn down and passionless (which is exactly how I feel, like I've had the passion -for the subject, and everything else- sucked out of me). I took a nap post-midterm, woke up, remembered that I'm in grad school and immediately felt depressed. Everyone, on here and real life, keeps saying that grad school is just like that and it'll get better once I pass the comprehensive exam. But I don't even know if I can study for it, because studying for anything is making me panic right now. I've never felt so trapped.
And if I did decide to leave the program, I have no clue what I'd do. I have no work experience, because all I did in undergrad was prepare to apply for grad school. I'm smart and I have a degree from a good school in a practical subject with a good GPA (although my grad gpa would be significantly lower). But I don't know how to do anything useful. I don't know how to program, or even fucking use excel very well, which is pretty much a prerequisite for most jobs in my field. I feel like I'd just be unemployed forever and have even less reason to get out of bed than I do now. I already feel so defeated, I don't know if I can take such a blow to my confidence.