I changed my accountname. I made another account under another name. But fuck it. I take it back. I'm unsharing that post. Because this is what happened to me and this is my account here and I shouldn't have to feel scared to share my feelings with the one place where everyone has been supportive of me all this time. I take my new account back.
So this is what happened since the last update..
For the past night and day we had a long talk about things. About my inability to talk to him but my ability to convey my thoughts and feelings on here pretty dang well. He hates gt and feels like we are an unhealthy environment where people project their own hangups (old relationships, current depression, there could even be *gasp* manic depressives on here! -I am blowing this out of proportion but he did say this and I feel like that's a horrible thing to say and although I said nothing then, I can't condone that even being spoken by someone I love-) on other peoples lives anonymously. He feels it's cowardly and wrong. He feels the gt community has too big an influence on me.
But he did feel like he wanted to be more open and supportive and accepting of how we felt. Although the whole conversation revolved around all the ways in which I did the relationship wrong, and didn't give therapy a real honest chance. Instead we agreed that today I'd write him a letter with my feelings. And write I did. It was pages long and revolved around all my doubts. This writing led to the conclusion that I had a lot of things to work on. I'd never lied to him, I had wanted to make things work for him. But my tendency to take on all the guilt of the world and of wanted to stick my head in the sad and not acknowledge my own bad feelings if they might impact other people led to an ever continuing problem. I've had this problem my whole life (I grew up with an alcoholic father and my parents blamed me for this in no unclear terms, but that's a story for another day)
He took the conclusion hard. First he resigned and said that there was little he could do if that's what I wanted. Then he tried to explain again how if we'd just stuck to what we were trying to learn from therapy : communicating, openness, me not taking on the possible pain of his (looking out for ME and not him). I know though that I'll never be able to really work on me if I'm with him. Because wether I want to or not. Those feelings are there, those doubts are there, and they've always been there. And I will do my best to make him happy if I am with him. I can't work on me as long as there's an us. He said that I was making a mistake, that I'd thought that we would never be able to communicate and we had actually managed to do that for the last months. I'd been wrong and I'm wrong now.
But he left. He packed a backpack and left. I don't know where. He called to tell me I didn't need to pack my things. I could just think things over. He is going to his parents, or on a trip, he doesn't know. (he said before that he didn't want to come back ever, because he couldn't afford this place on this own and he didn't want a housemate. And.. well.. that makes me feel guilty because I know he doesn't want that but won't make me stay) Specifically I don't know when he'll be back and I have to be gone. I can't just leave because our cat is here.
I'm resigned to my choice. I was relieved when he left. Although I do wonder if this is the right choice. He said that I was so consumed with guilt that I made the choice for now and closed the chance for our future happiness. And he's right.. It's just the choice I must make right now.
So.. I'm daydrinking right now.
How are you doing?