and I have no idea how to deal with it. I can't tell if this is happening because of the circumstances of my life at the moment or if a switch just flipped in my brain.
To give some background:
In April I finally got my first decent job, it was pool so I could make my schedule as I saw fit but they'd pretty much let me work full time with the higher pay rate. My previous employer was horrible, with a nasty work environment. I worked 12 hours shifts back to back on the weekends and could never pick up extra shifts during the week. I was obligated to work every weekend and basically never got to hang out with my family. So when I got my current position where I did the same work for higher pay and was in control of my schedule I was happy. Then my car broke down. My mom loaned me the money to get it fixed but the mechanic said that I should just sell the car before my inspection came up. I figured that for the money it would take to buy another used car(I didn't want a car note) I could just get my car fixed and saved up some money. So I made my schedule so that I wasn't working the last month of July so that I could drop it off at the mechanic and they could take as long as they wanted. Well that week my sister told me last minute that she didn't have a ride to and from work, so of course I begrudgingly took her. My sister is the Golden Child to my mom and if I refused it just would've been a headache. So that week was a wash and I decided to try to August. Mind you, sudden bills came up and most of the money I set aside for the car got eaten up. But that was ok in my mind because I had all of August to put something aside.
I did but the last Monday of August my mother knocked on my bedroom door(I still live with her rent free) and said her car broke down and she needed the keys to mine. My car became the family car and was used to run errands for my mother and sister. My mom took on a part-time job at night in addition to day time job so I basically couldn't work. My mom's part-time night position was erratic so I couldn't go into my job(I work 11-7a). I basically stayed at home. The money that I started to save up went towards paying my regular expenses and starting school.
I had to start a payment plan just to pay off the tuition because I lost my aid due to my poor grades. I had poor grades(partially) because my mom wanted to throw me out the house because...she didn't like that I was changing my major from a nurse to possibly computers. So while I was diddling around with the appeal to financial aid(which was prolonged thanks to the gov't shutdown) I was quickly emptying my bank account making huge payments just to take the classes. But I couldn't focus on my school work even though I literally had nothing else distracting me. One class I had to drop because I couldn't afford the textbook. The other I had to wait to get the books in the mail but I still couldn't be arsed to actually do the simple reading and turn in the simple assignments. The one class that I actually care about, Intro to Networking, I started off great in. I got an A on the first test, even though I didn't know we were taking it until I sat down. I had an A in the course. Then a B. Then a C. Now I have a 64. I care about this course. I find the knowledge interesting though the reading is dry.
Every week I tell myself that I'll pull it together. I'll power read and work so well under pressure like I usually do. I'll get a C(since I changed my major to IT any computer science course has to be at least a C to pass) and I'll be able to move on to the other classes I signed up for. Except even if I do pass I might not be able to move on. Because the college wants almost a 1,000 bucks in a month's time before they let me step back on campus. And that's not counting the money I still owe this for this semester. The appeal might get rejected and now I'm going to my dad like a bum to co-sign a private loan because I need money now and I'm desperate. And all I want to do is just pass this course.
But I can't get my fucking brain to click. The most I can manage is a muted panic and horror. I'm starting to come out the funk. I mean I'm not as bad as I used to be. For most of October I ate one meal a day if I remembered to, and even then after much debate because I'm just a bum who is taking food out of everyone else's mouths. I couldn't muster any fucks to even bother showering for days. I just wanted to watch my stories and sleep. The highlight of my day was being here on GT but even that makes me feel guilty. Because I should be studying.
I don't know why I'm whining here. God knows there's so many others who have it much worse. I guess this is the only place to really say it all without filtering something out...I don't want any gifs or cheering up. Don't get my wrong I won't bitch at anyone that bothers commenting. I just. I'm tired of only feeling sadness and anger, and that's if I can be bothered to feel anything at all...