I'm kind of falling apart, you guys. I'm feeling a lot of self-hatred, which is unusual for me. It's moved beyond "oh my God I hope everyone doesn't secretly hate me" to "everyone secretly hates me because I suck. I hate me."

I can't motivate myself to do anything. This weekend I couldn't even motivate myself to submit comments here - I would get halfway through and think "what the fuck is even the point of this?" Not that GT has no point, that my specific comments don't.

I'm doing okay in school and all but my relationships are struggling. I'm okay with Mr. Toad but he's having a hard time right now too. It's so hard to balance school, and three jobs, and a serious relationship; I've been neglecting my friendships. And I feel terribly about that. It's not like I've missed big things, but I just haven't been readily available to some of my friends who are used to not having to make plans. I offered to say "Monday night is all you, every week" to my closest friend but that was apparently offensive. But I already feel like I don't see Mr. Toad enough. I feel like I am trying really hard to be there for everyone and not being enough for anyone.

In fact, that's my whole life. I'm just trying and failing.