Babydaddy and his gf (the new one, not the crazy one) threw a bday party for Not-so-Little GV (she’s 12!). This was my first time meeting the gf and seeing her home. She makes probably at least twice what Babydaddy makes (he does fine) and is very well off, so she has this amazing house. They’re moving in together next month, so Little GV will have this amazing bedroom that’s being redecorated for her. The gf has also bought her tons of clothes and taken them on a couple of weekend trips.

The gf has the life I planned for myself, the life that seems farther away than it ever has (looooooooong story). The career, the financial solvency, the house, etc. Babydaddy has basically walked into the life he and I planned to have while he helped me get through graduate school.

Most of the time I’m pretty zen about it all and glad that my babygirl has someone else in her life who cares about her and looks after her. I’m glad that she will get to have the experiences and things that I had always hoped to be able to give her.

Last night I was a wreck. Ugly-crying and everything. The more I think about it today the closer I get to the anger I try so hard to keep under wraps. I generally try to refuse to rail against circumstances over which I have very little control. I understand that the world is not a fair place and things really don’t actually balance out. But I think I’m pretty backed up right now. I worked hard in school and after to build my career. This last year a gigantic wrench was thrown into everything and now I can’t work in my field until after next January. I’ve been unemployed and broke for six months and just started a retail job at an office supply chain and I realized that I HATE it. I’m down about as far as I’ve ever been and I didn’t even do anything to deserve the sanctions I received (even the lawyer I spoke with said the board I was dealing with went too far, but they’re immune from complaints - like I said, long story).

I feel like a loser. And now my kid is going to get a lot of stuff just handed to her. And I worry she won’t want to be here when she could be in her new house with her new big bed and beautiful things. They’re probably taking her with them to Atlanta for Christmas to see the gf’s family. I’ve never been apart from her like that before and not on a holiday.

Eventually, the bloom will fall off the rose on that end and there will be conflict of some sort. I’ll be able to get back on my feet and start moving toward my goals again. Until then, though, I’m really struggling with feeling ok about me and knowing where I will fit in my daughter’s life. I mean, she’s a tween, so there’s a certain amount of that, anyway, but the family landscape has changed and I worry about being usurped.

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Ugh. I’m tired of being an adult. Can I get a pass for a while? At least hating this job means I have motivation to try to get something else.