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I Think I'm Broken...

...and I'm not sure I'm worth fixing anymore.

In the past few days, my depression / mood disorder has come full force. I thought I'd managed to shut it out using my normal coping strategies that have been given to me by my therapists, but it's broken through the dam and I can't plug the cracks quickly enough to stop the flood.

Not only am I struggling with an insane amount of stress from work right now, but I have no free time left anymore thanks to work and other commitments. I'm burning out quickly and there's no relief in sight.


Then, to add to that joyous stress, there's the fact that the only people who seem to be interested in dating me are either scam artists, people looking to marry me for a green card (yes, that's actually happened), and cheaters. Apparently, I'm so broken that I don't deserve to find someone and/or be loved.

Last, but not least, over the past few days, every regret, every fuckup, and every single thing I've ever done wrong has decided to come back and tell me that I'm useless, I'm a fuckup, and unworthy of anyone's love or compassion.

One of the few things keeping me going, at this point, is wanting to be there for my Goddaughter as she grows up. She's only one, but she has an incredible future ahead of her, and I want to watch her take hold of it. A part of me is saying that she's better off without me, though, because all I do is fuck up and hurt people. What worries me most of all is that I'm starting to believe it.

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